Stop Drinking and Start Living- The Feminine Way

The Woman Who Drinks Iced Tea Can Change Everything

• Mary Wagstaff

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Ever wonder who you’d be without the wine?

In this personal and powerful episode, I reflect on how creating a sacred space for women—where we gather weekly over iced tea and flowers—revealed the essence of my own transformation. What started as a dream of women’s retreats manifested in a flower farm. And what I thought would be found through achievement, I discovered through simplicity, presence, and letting go of alcohol.

Midlife sobriety is more than just quitting drinking—it's a rite of passage we were never taught to honor. And when you pair it with the hormonal shifts of perimenopause and menopause, something magical happens: you reclaim your energy, your intuition, and your power.

We explore:

  • What it really means to meet your future self
  • Why letting go of outcomes opens the door to unexpected joy
  • How sobriety teaches you to trust your desires more than your conditioning
  • Using perimenopause as a sacred portal, not a problem to fix
  • Replacing perfectionism with consistency and self-compassion
  • Optimizing energy (not balance) as a woman in transition
  • Tapping into your intuition as your ultimate guide

✨ The woman who confidently orders iced tea instead of wine?
She’s the wise one. The whole one. The next evolution of you.

🌿 Download the free Urge Guide at marywagstaffcoach.com
Five minutes a day is all it takes to begin transforming your relationship with alcohol—for good.

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Stop Drinking and Start Living the Feminine Way. I'm your hostess, mary Wagstaff, holistic Alcohol Coach and Feminine Embodiment Guide, here to help you effortlessly release alcohol by reclaiming your feminine essence. Sobriety isn't just about quitting drinking. It's about removing the distortions that keep you disconnected, overwhelmed and stuck in cycles of numbing. Each week I'll share powerful tools, new perspectives that transform and deeply relatable stories to help you step into the power, pleasure and purpose that it is to be a woman. This is your next evolution of awakened empowerment. Welcome to the feminine way. Welcome back to the show, my beautiful listeners. I'm so glad to be here.

Speaker 1:

I woke up this morning and I was, like, so excited to coach my clients. I not only in full disclosure does it, you know it kind of gets me out of my own head of the drama of my own life, but like it is such an honor to sit with women and have a conversation with them and us together to like, create the best version of their lives without even changing the circumstance circumstance just by changing their perspective and unpack, like what alcohol really represents, because it's not just not drinking and if you've been listening for any time, you know that, but there was anyway. I just wanted to share this. There was just such a deep well of gratitude for the opportunity to do that, and I was talking to one of my clients today about the law of assumption and manifestation in general and how um they you know it said like to to detach. You focus on the what and not the how, but even the what might come out differently than you expected. So, for example, um after I hosted a retreat in Mexico last year which some of you may be familiar with, that um last April, it was my first international retreat I didn't I wouldn't want to do more of them, I was like. So it was the first time I mean, of course, I've been gathering with women in person, but it was the first time of like really doing like my deep coaching work.

Speaker 1:

I worked private, I did a private session with every single person. I did embodiment work and it was this real, intensive, intentional container for a longer period of time which you know I still talk to these women 18 months later and it's still like these. These moments have such a huge impact when we create an intentional container and that's also the power of coaching. But anyway, when everyone left, I got back, or when they left and I was staring out at the ocean just like in awe of what had just transpired, not even realizing I was even capable of that. And then the magic that everyone created it wasn't just me, you know, um. But I thought, oh my gosh, I want to do this more. I want this to be a regular part of my life, and you know, I love doing my online coaching work, of course, and it's just so such an awesome thing that we get to do this and I get to connect with people all over the world. But bigger than just that, like I know the importance of my own life, and this is why I'm offering the monthly um sister circle, which I will hope you'll come first Thursday of the month at 5 PM Pacific. It is a commitment that I'm making for at least the next 12 months, so please join us. There's a link to register in the show notes or on my website.

Speaker 1:

But I know the impact of gathering in person with women, and so that dream seed was planted and I've, I've, I've. You know, I teach yoga, I have um facilitated women's circles in person, so on and so forth. But then we bought a farm and we didn't plan on buying a farm and I didn't even plan on growing flowers, although you know, I think deep down that idea has always been, you know, very interesting to me. I've always loved to make arrangements and I really love the finer natural beauty things in life as a tourist and this is like part of me walking the beauty way, and so I was sharing with this client. I was like I didn't know that the opportunity to gather women was going to come through selling flowers. So last week, so every Tuesday, and if you're in the area in Oregon, stop by. Or Washington, every Tuesday I have what's called ladies night where I say ladies, drink free and it's iced tea with purchase, but you don't have to purchase anything to come. So on the farm, from five to seven, you can come and cut a bud vase, a U-cut bud vase, or I can make you an arrangement and there's this opportunity to gather with a beautiful view and sit and sip on my favorite summer beverage, which is an Arnold Palmer. And I just sent this out in my email about how I make my Arnold Palmers, which is different. So they're not, they're pretty much sugar-free Anyway.

Speaker 1:

And so last Tuesday, the first Tuesday of the month, I'm hosting an, a optional women's circle for just a half hour to gather ground and then share. And these women, hey, I was just like, of course they came, because typically when I put an invite out, people show up. Um, but they, I w I was expecting some other women I had talked to who were telling me they wanted to come, they wanted to come to the sister show. These were not anyone. I knew. It was no one. I knew it was two different couple, different groups. There was one friend of mine but I didn't know she was even coming. Two different couple, different groups. There was one friend of mine but I didn't know she was even coming and it was intergenerational. There was a beautiful pregnant mama and one woman that was like two weeks postpartum and it was hot and we had the mister on and you know.

Speaker 1:

So my point of telling this story is that we don't always know how things are going to turn out, but when we, when we live into the vibration and and assume and get excited about the moment of, of movement, right, with gratitude, with just plant, I'm like I, of course I want to have ladies night on the farm, and I didn't even know I was going to do that. I knew it was going to do something, but then it just came to me one morning and I was like I'm doing it and it's been very successful. So you know, when I was talking to my client, I'm like we don't know how it's going to manifest. So we have to detach from not only the how, like buying a farm and planting flowers to invite people over, even the what, even the what in the way it's going to look and how pleasantly surprised can we be, right, like wow, what an opportunity.

Speaker 1:

And so taking this into sobriety, taking this into the next phase of your life, because there's this moment of a rite of passage that we never got. So, when we combine our midlife and sobriety or alcohol freedom together, there is this power moment of entering a portal intentionally, because we know and when, when I work with my clients, I mean I'm unpacking stuff with them from from their adolescence, from you know, the, the conditioning that we have from childhood, from our parents, from the overachieving, from the proving, from the not being able to and needing some sort of external permission to do that so but you get to decide on the vision of what you want your sober life to look like. Who is that version of yourself. And in this email that I wrote today, I talked about the woman who drinks iced tea. Right, like, if you just think about the woman who's out and she orders an iced tea and she's out in the sun on a patio having like a you know alfresco dining or whatever, like, how do you think about her?

Speaker 1:

Because I remember, I remember and this is like six years plus late, you know, since then, I remember the first time going out to this exact same scenario and ordering an iced tea and being like look at her girl, like, look at you, like it was like so simple but so innocent, it felt classy, it felt like I was nurturing myself, I was caring for myself. And what I really want to invite in is this idea of optimizing your efforts. Right, you only have so much energy, but you still want to ball like. You want to ball it out. Right, like you are, you're wanting to create, to achieve, to set your goals, to have the home that you want, to have the relationships that you want. But it's not. It's not what you're doing, it's how you're doing it, and I talked about this on an episode before, about overwhelm at or you know, like the talked about this on an episode before about overwhelm or you know, like the hustle right, and so we can take that step back.

Speaker 1:

We can take a step back to breathe, to decide what is this sacred pause moment for? And that's really what the container of one-on-one coaching provides, where we're intentionally working on something because our lives, they move. That's like the speed of light, especially with the information age, and I know for myself I'm guilty of it as well. We went from, you know, selling our house to living on the road to remodel or to remodeling a camper, to moving eight times to living in. You know, rentals to buying a farm it's like, and now I'm it's on in. You know, rentals to buying a farm it's like, and now I'm it's on vacation. You know, now it's summer break and it's like, whoa, something's got to give.

Speaker 1:

I got to take a step back to look at the Vista, to stop and look at the Vista and just intentionally, I don't want to change anything, right, maybe there's something that I can take off my plate, but maybe it's just taking a step back and really looking at my thoughts. Right, maybe there's something that I can take off my plate, but maybe it's just taking a step back and really looking at my thoughts, right, because there's been some conflict in my house with my partner, like we decided to go and do this farm together and there's ways that I want to run a business and there's ways that he wants to live his life that aren't in alignment, and it's created some conflict. And I think I'm I'm kind of at this tipping point for myself where I don't have the capacity that I have really tapped into in sobriety. And this is what's so powerful about alcohol freedom is that you're learning all of the skills that you've always needed that apply to everything else, and so when you get good at living the circumstances of your life, alcohol becomes a moot point. You just don't need it anymore, right? So more and more and there's a lot of self-awareness I don't have. I do recognize things, I am willing to take personal responsibility, and you know I've been talking about perimenopause and menopause and this, this change in our new hormonal normal, and why we do need to optimize our efforts and output, because we can't find you can't necessarily find hormonal balance. You have to work with what's there. I mean, if you look at, even in a menstruation cycle, it's a, it's an arc right, there's a waxing and then a waning, like it's there, there isn't balance. So the balance has to come from optimization of where. Where am I at?

Speaker 1:

I heard this really um awesome thing from Brene Brown one time and she was talking about being a family led family, instead of a parent led family or a kid led family. It's a family led family. And how her and her husband tag team by just saying like I got, I got 20%, do you got? Do you have the 80, the other 80? And just being like yeah, I got that or like, no, we both only have 20. Okay, what are we going to do, right? So, knowing where that is and not making it a problem and not putting yourself up to these expectations of anyone else, especially your past self, especially, maybe, what was easeful. But what I want you to know now is that there's so many things that you're better at now, right, that you have the awareness, that you have the intuition, you have the wisdom, because there is a part of you, a self-concept of you, underneath alcohol that's 100% got it like in the imbalance, in the figuring it out Right, and what I want you to do is to let her lead.

Speaker 1:

I want to let my iced tea drinking self in early sobriety, for some reason that stands out to me. I, because I always drink, I drink at lunch. I drink I mean I probably drink at breakfast, like I drink all the time, like if I was going out to lunch, if I was going out to a meal and there was alcohol I was drinking, I wasn't not drinking if it was like past coffee time. So my iced tea self, she was classy, she was relaxed, she was, she had energy, she, you know, but clear energy, and maybe sometimes she wanted to throw her iced tea across the room.

Speaker 1:

You know, I don't know, but but there was just something about that moment that felt like innocent but mature. It was just a very mature version of myself and there is a part of you that already leads that way, whether it's through your work or your mothering, your attending or your caretaking that you get to let her lead the conversation now from a place of compassion, and it's not like shutting down this other part of you, but it's just recognizing those objections to say is this true, is this true for me anymore? And what do I have to be willing to believe to let it go? And what do I have to be willing to feel, to let it go, and the reason that so many people stop and start drinking, and that's okay too. But you want a process of evaluation, you want a process of going back to see what were my thoughts. I did that today with someone where it was like okay, what were your thoughts? And were they true? They were thoughts that she brought into a situation with her from a past version of herself and now she knows for the next time those thoughts aren't even true, they're not going to like, stoop her again anymore, and you know they're.

Speaker 1:

With a little bit more examination and it gets to actually be very simple. But it does take consistency, and what we, what we think and the reason we have shiny object syndrome is in no patients is because we're like, oh, it's too hard, I'm going to hop over to this thing. This is going to be easier, like everyone wants a quick fix, but it gets easier the longer you stay the course, the longer you stay in in the practice of what you're doing, and so you have to be able to hold a new perspective for long enough. And that's what the one-on-one coaching container really allows you to do, cause you didn't get here overnight right Like we're unpacking stuff from like early childhood, from like in utero, and this isn't about reliving childhood wounds or anything like that, but everything you do and the reason you drink. You didn't create those beliefs yesterday. They've been deeply ingrained and that's why when people get triggered or maybe you know a traumatic event or something happens in life that they weren't experiencing maybe during their sobriety they will go back to drinking is because those grooves can be so well worn that, even though it's not good and it's not like the, it's to your detriment, that comfort is good, to your detriment. So you can.

Speaker 1:

I find myself falling back into safety mindsets a hundred percent, where it's easier for me to think less of myself or to kind of compare myself and and how, what other people think, especially my partner, of my worth, of my value in his life, than just to decide for myself. Right, like I can fall back into that pattern and I think that that somehow gives me an easy out or it takes the attention off of my own growth. Right, probably some stuff to unpack there. But I can see it, I can see the pattern and that's what we have to be. We have to be willing to do that. We have to be able to slow down a long enough to examine and and think about everything you're going to find out. You know alcohol has kind of had its time and it's it was. Like I always say, taking your last sip isn't the first step.

Speaker 1:

So the women I work with are women that know they do not want a future where alcohol is is leading the conversation. They're not sure how they're going to get there or why, but they can feel it deep in their bones that alcohol is is in the way of the next version, of the next phase of their, of their life, and it's just an old story that they're ready to move beyond, because there is a lot underneath it, a lot of who you want to be in the world, how you want to lead the version of you, the self-concept that you want to relate to, and then create an even new self-concept to go beyond your limiting beliefs and create the wildest life, right, like, oh my gosh, like this flower farm. It's kind of crazy when I think about it. I'm like, oh, I'm a flower farm, I'm actually selling flowers to make money. It's wild and getting to bring women together and getting to help women change their relationship to alcohol. So what I would love for you to do is sign up in the link in the show notes for a private, free consultation, and I'd love to hear where you're at and where you want to go.

Speaker 1:

And what I can do in those moments is really point out the place where you're getting stuck and to help you see into the next phase, like the belief that is going to that you already have. That's going to get you to where you want to go, and it's always just fear dictating us, not wanting to change, and the truth is is that fear is a hypothetical situation. Fear isn't true, and that's why I started this conversation talking about that. We don't know right. We, we and we want to live into the best version. So you get to create the iced tea version of yourself for sobriety.

Speaker 1:

Whatever that is for you, you guys are awesome. I'll talk to you soon. The days of white knuckling your way through an urge are over. No more distracting yourself, no more avoiding alcohol, no more resisting, and I am not exaggerating when I say that doing this one thing for five minutes will change not only how successful you are in drinking less, but how much you will love your alcohol-free life. You are going to feel so good. So come on over to my website, or follow the link right here in the show notes to grab the free urge guide that gives you the exact cheat codes to use to find relief without a drink. And the best part is no deprivation, no missing out required. I'll see you over marywagstaffcoachcom.