Why Avoidance Doesn’t Work (And What Does)

✨ Are you avoiding life just to avoid alcohol? In this episode, I share why that strategy will never work—and how to start optimizing the energy you’re already spending so your efforts don’t go to waste.

We talk about how to:

• Stop avoiding people and places just because alcohol might be present
• Use discernment to practice your sacred yes and no
• Shift from controlling circumstances to mastering your mindset
• Build belief brick by brick until alcohol becomes irrelevant

🔗 And if you’re ready to create predictable, sustainable results, click here to book a  1:1 consult with Mary to identify exactly where you're holding yourself back—and build the bridge to change.

This Wednesday, June 11 at 5pm PST, we gather in sacred circle to ground, pray, share, and remember who we are—together. You don’t need to figure it out alone. This will be a monthly offering. 

✨ New and familiar faces welcome. Invite a sister-friend. If this resonates, you belong.

💌 Make sure you’re on my subscriber list to get the Zoom link Click here!

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Transcript

Mary Wagstaff: 2:04

Foreign Welcome to stop drinking and start living the feminine way. I'm your hostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic alcohol coach and feminine embodiment guide here to help you effortlessly release alcohol by reclaiming your feminine essence. Sobriety isn't just about quitting drinking, it's about removing the distortions that keep you disconnected, overwhelmed and stuck in cycles of numbing. Each week, I'll share powerful tools, new perspectives that transform and deeply relatable stories to help you step into the power pleasure and purpose that it is to be a woman. This is your next evolution of awakened empowerment. Welcome to the feminine way. Welcome back to the show. My beautiful listeners, what is up this week's challenge? Throw a better party. And what I mean by that is one thing, one thing that is going to take you and snap you out of yourself. Concept my favorite, favorite thing to do if you're hungover, here's the cure. Make a commitment every single person you see, go out, go for a walk, go to the store. The first 10 people you see, good morning and a big old smile, hold the door for people, look them in the eye, ask them how they're doing. There is nothing like even if you have to fake it till you make it. So what I do often, if I have the time, is I go park my car at the gym where I go, and I there's a 30 minute walk that I like to do, just to kind of warm up, but it goes up into this little neighborhood that's really beautiful, and it's a little hill, so I kind of can get my heart rate up, and there's often deer up there, and it's this neighborhood sits right against like a plateau, because we live in the high desert, so there's these beautiful you know, There's nothing else behind there, so it's just really beautiful. And I take my coffee with me, because I usually have my coffee on the way to the gym. I take it with me, and I call it my coffee walk. So take yourself on a coffee walk, a tea walk, a happy juice walk. If you checked out the happy juice, oh my gosh. Please go do that. I cannot tell you, Wow. I've never taken anything like this. Like this is a million times better than coffee. I love my coffee, but holy crap. So the link is in the show notes, so you guys can check it out. But I am pretty much sold on this, and I'm going to keep reporting back, because Matthew and I are doing a 30 day happy juice challenge, no energy drinks, which I can kind of take or leave, but sometimes, especially when we're working on the farm and it's like a long day, you know, it's just like that extra boost. But they have these psychoactive properties, you know. And so anything that feels a little addictive I really stray away from, and coffee is definitely that this does not feel like that at all the happy juice, it just has really regulated my hormones and uplifted my mood. So anyway, take yourself on a coffee walk. So this is what I'm talking about. About throw a better party, do something that is in alignment with, in alignment with the person that you want to be. Wake up, put on music, fun music, and dance around. Don't bug people on purpose, but just set the tone for the day. The woman in the house, Mama, when Mama's happy, everyone's happy. You do set the tone. We have so much more power than we give ourselves credit for. We can create the results that we want in our lives by our frequency, by our vibration, I am telling you.

Unknown: 5:53

So do that

Mary Wagstaff: 5:55

and send me an email. Leave a comment on my Instagram, and because I'll make a I'll make a post about this show about throwing a better party, because the main part of the show is you are focusing on the wrong problem. You are focusing on solving for alcohol, right? And what I want you to know is that your hangover is not caused by alcohol right now, of course, we know that if you didn't drink, you wouldn't have a hangover. That is not the cause of alcohol, the cause the cause of your hangover, the main cause of your hangover, right? We want to take it to the root, and that's why all of your attempts have been surfaced. You're only focusing on the alcohol, and that's why this time is different. That's why you have to do something different this time. So I don't care what it is, get your happy juice. Get into one of my programs, but do it differently. And go beyond the buzz, go beyond the hangover, go beyond the happy hour. Like all that stuff is so surface, because when you unpack it, what you. Realize is that it's your dysregulation, right? You drink because there is an emotion that you're not comfortable with feeling, and sometimes that's excitement. I will tell you that you haven't practiced your nervous system is not practiced in holding the frequency of excitement and holding the frequency of accomplishment, and holding the frequency of arousal and holding the frequency of the gaze of the sexy lover sitting across from you, right? We often think that it's a negative thing, but what I've experienced in my own personal journey, and I'm still working on this, on the other side of alcohol, it's just that I have created more resiliency in my nervous system. Our nervous system is like a muscle, right? It's just like working out, and the bigger we stretch our capacity, the more space we have for it. But I'm still practicing pleasure, I'm still practicing receptivity. I'm still practicing relaxing. What I hear from all the time, we think boredom is a negative emotion. All boredom is is an opportunity for you to practice pleasure. I did an episode not that long ago about relaxation resistance, right? Boredom is the thing that you're actually looking for in a drink, but the drink is a familiar frequency that's giving you the external permission to take that break, right? It's just like, you feel better and validated when someone else isn't drinking, right? It's like, Oh, okay. Like, this is okay now, because someone else isn't doing it, instead of being a grown woman and giving yourself permission to do it anyway. Like, what do we tell our kids? Oh, if Johnny jumped off the bridge, would you do it too? Right? So we have to unpack this kind of like, you know, and this isn't to judge you because I was there too. It's like an immature mentality where we're thinking about all of this other stuff from these judgments of people. But you're grown girl, right? Like you have kids, you have a husband, you have a mortgage, you have a career, like you, you don't care. You're not waiting to care what anyone else thinks that you're wearing your own style. And if

Unknown: 9:14

you do, that's okay too, because part of you know the

Mary Wagstaff: 9:18

when we go to like, the value, if I was to ask you, why is that important to you because you don't make any decisions that aren't actually important to you. It's just the perspective of what you're viewing them. So the real perspective of the reason that you're actually drinking is because you want to belong. And if I was to coach you, I would take you further and find out the real value that's in alignment with that, right? Why is that important to you? And really, what it comes down to is love. It comes love belonging. Comes down to love in our most authentic form, to be able to be ourselves and still feel like we belong, and still feel like we can be loved. And when we unpack it all, it's you that has to do that first, right? Because you are part of the love in you know you belong. And so we have to get to the point where you find the belief, the embodied belief, that you actually believe, not just some fancy mantra that doesn't actually work, but really, when you see the thoughts, and you kind of put yourself in a different perspective, you're gonna see, oh my gosh, this is like, Child's Play, right? So it's, it's a little bit laughable. Even though alcohol is very serious, and I do believe we should take it seriously. We can't take our minds that seriously. So it's like, really, like, I'm, you know, I mean, I do

Unknown: 10:39

sometimes i This is something

Mary Wagstaff: 10:42

that's so funny about me, even if I know it's not a bad thing, if it's like, I'm not even worried about what the message is. But sometimes I get nervous about opening an email or a response from a text message from people I don't even know sometimes, and I don't know why it is, it's like, there's something that I like get off on in the suspense of it. And I think I've talked about this on the show, where I can leave a package unopened, and there's something about that that's thrilling to me, like I don't need to know. And it's like, there's a little bit of righteousness in there. And I think it's also like, because once the surprise is over, then it's over. And usually there it's like, it falls flat. And that's kind of the same for alcohol too, right? It's like you build it up in your brain, and at this stage in your relationship to alcohol, chances are that it's falling pretty flat, like you're you think you're wanting it, and go back to the desire and attachment episode a couple weeks ago, but it's not really what you want, but what I'm telling you is that you can get to what you really want. And the thing, too, I've talked about this so many times, is just we it's crazy how much we're stimulated. Ladies, we are so overstimulated you have to take a break from stimulation, because we expect life. To just be Big Bang Boom, like all these aha moments, because of the way that things are portrayed. And it's like there is a wonder and awe of life, but there's also this regulated pleasure and receptivity and sensuality of just being with our senses, right? And that's really what you're looking for. And sometimes we do want these big boom, aha, like big moments in life, which we get to have, but they're so much more bigger and so much more available to you if you're not drinking, because you're really willing to step into that next level place. And you also learn how to be in a space of bravery, right? You learn how to and I should, I have to do an episode on this because I talked. I don't know if I share this with you guys at all, but I had my first big DJ show that wasn't just an event that I produced, but it was at ecstatic dance Portland, and it was like a really big deal, and there's so much to unpack there. I'm pretty sure I shared this, but at first, when I found out, I was so excited, like, I almost, like, pooped my pants, I screamed at the top of my lungs, and the boys were like, Duh. Like, of course. And it was like, No, you guys, like, this is seriously the most exciting thing that's happened to me. I felt like a kid, like, I was so nervous, I was so excited. Like, it just and the reason I had all those emotions was because of the thoughts that I had in my head about the people. Like, I shouldn't even be talking about this now. I should just do an entire episode on it, because there is so much there. But anyway, I was able to do the thing from this like, so chill, play like I wasn't even I was more proud of myself for how I showed up, versus the set, which was also fire. I'm gonna link the set in the show notes so that you can throw a better party with my freaking bad ass DJ set. You guys are gonna cry when you hear this. You're gonna love me even more. Um, like people were hooting and hollering. It was the coolest. I was, like, high and so, like, out of it for four days. Like, it took every ounce of energy I had and from so many ways, so worth it, right? Like, those are those big boom, bang, boom moments in your life, right? Like, those are the moments where life is fireworks, you know, and I won't get that ever again, ever again. Like I could go do another big show, maybe I play a festival, who knows? But like that, first of like, someone paying me money to come and DJ for I don't know 100 people in this thing that I really respect and that I have, like, all of these thoughts about was incredible, right? But had this happened, well, a, I never would have pursued this while I was drinking. Ever, ever, ever, I never would have made it this far. I wouldn't have taken it that seriously if I was drinking, and B, I would have been drinking, I would be like, Oh, my God, I can't handle this. I need a drink. I can't handle this. Because mostly what it was was like nervous excitement, right? And it wasn't even that by the time I got there, because I did the work ahead of time. So what I want you to know is that it's not the alcohol. It is not the alcohol that is the cause of your problem. It is your emotions. It is your emotions, and your emotions aren't the problem. The problem is being able to hold them, being able to love them, being able to be with them and caress them and get pleasure from them, and get the stimulation that you're looking for from them. This is the feminine way, and then the like emotions of all the chaos in your life and the nervous system, the dysregulation of that also change because you see your thoughts and how they're not true. Okay, show me. Tell me how you throw a better party. I want to know. Write me. Email me, seriously. Mary up. Mary Wagstaff, coach.com Tell me what you think about my set. I would love to hear it, and I'll talk to you soon. You're crushing it. Have an amazing week. The days of white knuckling your way through an urge are over. No more distracting yourself, no more avoiding alcohol, no more resisting. And I am not exaggerating when I say that doing this one thing for five minutes will change not only how successful you are in drinking less, but how much you will love your alcohol free life. You are going to feel so good. So come on over to my website or follow the link right here in the show notes to grab the free urge guide that gives you the exact cheat codes to use to find relief without a drink. And the best part is no deprivation, no missing out, required. I'll see you over. Mary Wagstaff, coach.com, you.