What If Your Rock Bottom Is Just a Whisper...

If you’ve ever thought, “Is this as good as it gets?” or “I don’t want to keep doing this,” this episode is for you.

I invite you to consider a radical new idea: What if your rock bottom doesn’t have to be dramatic, destructive, or public? What if it’s just a quiet whisper—telling you that you’re meant for more? This episode explores the hidden beliefs and subconscious fears that keep us stuck in drinking patterns, even when our lives look “fine” from the outside. We unpack why alcohol feels so hard to let go of, the societal conditioning around what it means to have a "problem," and why making this shift is more about self-honoring than self-discipline.

Whether you're waking up foggy, skipping your morning intentions, or just feel out of alignment with the woman you know you could be—this episode is your loving nudge that it’s okay to want more. You don’t need to crash to rise.

What We Cover:

• The subconscious fear of what quitting might “mean” about you
• Why the label “alcoholic” keeps many women stuck in secrecy
• How cultural narratives and inner child wounds fuel the habit
• Why “not bad enough” is the biggest trap
• The biology of change—why alcohol affects us differently as we age
• How honoring the whisper is more powerful than waiting for a crash
• Why your desire for more is enough
• Real examples of women from all walks of life outgrowing alcohol
• What happens when we show up in integrity—with energy, clarity, and courage
• The transformational power of private coaching & sacred support

🌀 Free Private Coaching Consultation – Explore your own whisper in a confidential, zero-pressure call. Book now via the link in the show notes.

You’ve tried to cut back on drinking but nothing sticks, you're stuck in the cycle of confusion and convincing. One day you're motivated, the next you're telling yourself it's not that bad. What makes the difference isn’t more information—it’s having a new way to apply it. Click HERE to schedule your free consult to uncover the one thought that will change everything.

Sobriety isn't a verb, it's a vibe and the best way to create the vibe of a summer you WON'T forget, is inside the Sobriety Starter Kit. It isn't just a course, each lesson is a strategy you can apply TODAY, and find success, even without taking your last sip. Throw a better party this summer. Make it sexy, sober and high vibe. Click here to join NOW, while the sale lasts!

DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Transcript

Mary Wagstaff: 1:14

Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living the feminine way. I'm your hostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic alcohol coach and feminine embodiment guide here to help you effortlessly release alcohol by reclaiming your feminine essence. Sobriety isn't just about quitting drinking, it's about removing the distortions that keep you disconnected, overwhelmed and stuck in cycles of numbing. Each week, I'll share powerful tools, new perspectives that transform and deeply relatable stories to help you step into the power pleasure and purpose that it is to be a woman. This is your next evolution of awakened empowerment. Welcome to the feminine way. My beautiful listeners, today's episode is a really important one. It dives a little bit deeper into kind of the subconscious patterning of what keeps us stuck when it comes to quitting drinking, why it's really hard to quit drinking, and the biggest question that this concept answers is the question that I dive into right away with my private clients, is, what am I making it mean about me? What am I making it mean if I quit? Because so much of the time we want to be accepted, we and acceptance in our social group is create safety, and until we start to unpack it, we kind of stay stuck in our inner child. We stay stuck in the part of us. And we always, you know, community is one of our basic needs. So we do want to be accepted, but at the same time, we also want to be able to be in our office, accepted in our authentic expression, and when we get to unpack it, and we step into a place of empowerment and quit when we're up, like we talked about on last week's episode, we stop looking as much for that external validation, and we can really step into the personal responsibility of being a grown, mature adult, right? But a lot of times, we're making the decisions from a place of kind of a wounded inner child, a place of us that still really seeks external approval, and this when we put the the kind of conditioned perspective of of what we've been meant to believe, made to believe about what you know it means to be an alcoholic or an addict. We have it triggers a certain perception in our mind, and there may even be someone that you know in your life that you had associated with alcohol, like an alcoholic, or someone that was in recovery, or, you know, this kind of more of maybe a stereotypical version, or someone that just had a real rock bottom moment that was very detrimental. They could have been abusive. They could have lost their life. They could have done many, many things, and you don't want to be associated with that, or you have been in that place in yourself. You have been in a rock bottom moment, but you don't want to admit that you're that too, right? And so what we know about addiction and what we know about alcohol now, what we've come to identify is that there is a use they there is a spectrum of use and dependency. And fortunately, that is the like the CDC doesn't the term alcoholic. They use the term alcohol use disorder. Now, I still believe that even the CDC doesn't identify the cultural beliefs and narrative that is really, a big part of the puzzle when it comes to use. And this isn't just around alcohol, but it is about the mindset that one who is using alcohol on a regular basis with frequency and duration and creating results that are not desirable for their outcome. But this is what this episode is all about. Because for so many women who are in my sphere, for so many women who are kind of transitioning into a new phase of their life. And I've worked with women who have had DUIs, who have had really, you know, it's compromised, their relationships, their marriages, they've been to rehab. There has been a spectrum, right? And I've also worked with mothers who are going to bed. A tipsy every night and not being really present with their children, or mothers who are going through a divorce, who want to be fully present and do it from an empowered place. And you know, maybe drinking wasn't, quote, unquote problematic, but they knew it was taking away from their their next level self, from their empowerment, from the place that they wanted to be, a fully honoring, whatever kind of transitional phase they were in, or they're coming into retirement, or they're very concerned about their health, and they're super health conscious, but then they keep doing this thing that you know, maybe they're not even sick every day, but they know that it's creating inflammation. They know that it's not they're not getting as good enough sleep as they can. They're a little bit foggy in the morning. They're not getting up with the sunrise like they want to every day, or doing their creative pursuits that they've dedicated themselves to so honoring that little whisper that is there instead of waiting for the crash, because what I also know happens with continued use and aging, especially into perimenopause and post menopausal years, is that you can't always rely on the impact of alcohol. Most women that I work with tell me that the same amount of alcohol, or even less is having a bigger impact on them, and say they've been able to drink a bottle of wine in the past. Sometimes they say two glasses of wine, and they're they're starting to get kind of hazy. They're starting to, you know, I wouldn't say necessarily, black out, but not remembering things in the way they want to, and it's very upsetting to them. And I don't know what the the science behind all of this is, but I do believe a there's a cumulative effect, right, with the with the alcohol in our system, but also it's creating an imbalance in all of the other systems of the body that are looking to find balance, that are looking to find homeostasis, when your hormones are shifting and you're going through a huge transition in your life, and then when you're on the other side, so Say, if you are on the other side of menopause, you're still settling into a new way of being. It's such a huge, huge, huge shift in our lives that we need to honor and recognize and learn how to be with ourselves in a new way. Right? You so what if your rock bottom is just a whisper? How do we use that now before something comes crashing down and this moment doesn't have to be about rock bottom, but it can be about outgrowing alcohol. It can be about honoring this next phase that you're into your life. We're taught that it has to be messy, dramatic, this public display of something happening. Now, if that has happened, that's also okay. And like I said, there's a spectrum. But for so many women contemplating their sober, curious journey, and many, many women that I have worked with are just hearing that whisper that there's more, there's something different. They don't want to have this conversation anymore. They don't want to keep being in the same place again and again and again, even though maybe no one else knows right. Mean, in my life, besides the people that I hung out with that were also drinking, no one would have known the conversation I was having in my own head that I was felt like I was breaking my own heart every day. And that's why, when we compare ourselves and we see, oh, Sally can just have one drink when she's out, well, you have no clue what Sally was drinking before, what she's drinking after, and what she's drinking when you're not around, and how she even feels about that one drink, we just don't know. So we can't assume anything. Because what I know is that there are many, many people that will moderate their drinking in public because they're drinking at home, right? Or they're drinking after the fact. They are hiding it because of their thoughts about their the perception. It's the whisper that says I just don't want to do this anymore. And if you've been waiting for a big enough reason to make this change, I want you to know that that is enough. It, it. Doesn't have to be more than just that, than your own desire to know that there is something more for you. So most people are high functioning, but disconnected, disconnected from who. Who are you at this stage in your life, right? It's kind of like life happens, things change, and then you're like, Okay, now what? Who am I at this phase in my life as the grown woman that I am, with all the wisdom I have, all the intuition, all the education that you've gained over the years, you have the job, you have the kids, you have the life, right? You're making it all work, but there's a gap between how things look on the outside and how you feel on the inside, and so there's that kind of bargaining and that, those objections, saying I don't drink that much, or I don't drink as much as this person. I've got it under control. It's not that big of a deal, right? And you but then there's the flip side to it too, where you're thinking, if I could only drink as much as Sally, right? Comparing yourself. But then the same cycle repeats again and again and again. When you wake up at 3am you're not showing up for yourself, and you're asking yourself the question, is this as good as it gets, the conditioning of what it means to have a quote, unquote problem with alcohol is something that we have to unpack, because The problem is, the only problem that you need is you're not getting the results that you want in your life, right? There needs to be no one else that gives you permission. There needs to be nothing bigger or smaller than the results of drinking are no longer desirable for me, right? And it doesn't matter if you're having one or 20, it's about how you're showing up for yourself this way of being in the same cycle, the same habit of celebrating, of decompressing, of socializing. It's representing the same self concept, where you never get to step into a new version of yourself, where you're always kind of stuck in trying to recreate the past. And that's what alcohol does. It's trying to recreate some past version of ourself that you can't ever be you need to call all parts of you to the present moment, right? And this is probably reinforced by the people that you spend your time with. So you have to start listening to yourself, and you have to start honoring yourself. You have to start thinking of yourself from outside of yourself. If you had a child that came to you, if you had one of your best friends come to you that said, hey, you know this thing has been going on, and it could be in a relationship, any relationship. It's not that bad, but I just it's just bothering me, right? What would you say to that person? They can change. You can create something different. You can take a different action. You can make a new decision. You don't need a crisis to change. You don't need permission to change. You don't need a headline moment or a rock bottom story, right? You just need to start listening to yourself, because your inner knowing is what's going to take you through to the other side, and we have to amplify that voice so it's those quiet moments, right? When your body feels heavy and you don't want to look at yourself in the mirror, when you have a drink, even though you don't even really want one, but you're not really sure what else to do, right? That's your rock bottom moment, because you're not honoring your self, you're not honoring the integrity of the voice inside of you, and you're not honoring your values. That sacred whisper is what you need to listen to, and it's your invitation to do something radically different before something potentially could happen. And it's just that the more with more frequency and duration, the deeper those grooves get of the habit, the more the body becomes conditioned to this behavior. And while you're transitioning and potentially into a new phase of your life, because this is when a lot of people come to me, when their children are getting older, when their children are leaving, maybe when they get a divorce, maybe when they're getting a new job or retiring, or they're ready for the next big thing, right? Say that there is this voice that says, this is the thing that's gotta go. They're go getting into menopause, or they're, they're know, they're entering that phase. This thing has to go. So we have to tell the truth. And this is one of the first classes inside of my program is really confronting your alcohol story from a place of honoring the truth of who you are, right and when you're witnessed in that way, you will stop waiting for permission, and that you can finally let out a deep, cathartic exhale being witnessed in your truth finally gives you permission to start to see things in a new way. And that's when you're saying this is enough, when you finally say it out loud. And this isn't declaring anything you know, any titles, any labels, anything it's just saying. This isn't working for me. The alcohol is dimming my intuition, my energy, and that's all I need, right? And it's not in alignment with who I am, with the ways that I want to show up. It's completely contradicting your values. We create a life intention, and every single time, the life intention and alcohol are just not in alignment, right? It makes you tolerate and avoid and excuse things that you normally wouldn't, and that's something that you also don't want to live with, right? And so you have to create a new standard for yourself that this is rock bottom enough for me not living in integrity and alignment with the truth of who I am. What would it look like to fully respect and honor myself, and not just with alcohol, but how you show up, how you say no, how you ask for help, how you step into the full embodiment of the woman that you want to be you don't have to wait until you're desperate. And that was like our last episode. Quit when you're up, right? You don't have to burn it all down and throw away, throw it away to fail ahead of time. And this is the definition of self sabotage. It's like we have to sabotage ourselves so we have a reason. And I should do an episode on existential kink, because we create scenarios and and questions and rules in our life just so that we can break them. And this is this weird thing that we do as humans, and that is what's actually creating the excitement and that, like nervous excitement in your life, are those sensations that even a euphoric feeling is self sabotage, and we don't really realize it until we see, oh, I'm making the rules and then I'm just breaking them. But the truth is is we can just get rid of the rules, but Then who do you get to be? Right? Because you've been in a habit of fight or flight, you've been in a habit of complaining, you've been in a habit of poor me, of being the victim. And now it's time to change that. But stepping into that responsibility is a very empowering place that we have to be willing to fully claim, right? And that's celebrating ourselves. That's like me celebrating myself for being six years and being proud of that, and being willing to say, hell yeah, I did that, and I had to put the work in to do it. So I do get to claim all of that. The next thing that's going to be crucial for this process of honoring the Whisper instead of waiting for the crash is to do it differently this time, right? And that support could be a woman's group, that support could be a therapist, that support could be a coach. This isn't about being broken. It's about being brave enough to step into a new version of yourself, to learn new tools. We're never done learning, right? We think just because we have a certain set of circumstances in our life that we don't need support anymore, I've had times where I've had like five coaches, right? And it's no different than going to school and hiring. You know, when I went to DJ school, I went and learned how to DJ from someone. When I wanted to learn how to manage my mind, I had to go help someone to help me do that. And I had to learn how to do marketing. I had to get coaching around, getting out of my own way and stepping into that version of myself and not being scared to be in people's inboxes, right? Not being scared to put myself out there. When we do it alone, we stay stuck in our own patterns and the right kind of support makes the difference between trying again and becoming someone new, right? Just doing the same thing and getting the same result with the same mindset, or becoming a new version of yourself simply because it's not like you're like, you know, changing your name and no one can recognize you. It's having a new perspective, a wildly new perspective. So what happens when you decide sooner. When you decide there's this whisper, and you don't wait for that big rock bottom moment, and it's okay if you've had that, also you show up with integrity, and you already start to become the person who can do what you think alcohol is doing for you, but on your own and better, right? You become that person just by taking a new action when you show up with integrity, with energy, honoring your body, your dreams, your family, all the things you work so hard for, and you realize that you can't create peace and pleasure through a synthetic experience, but it's something you have to intentionally choose with the way you're thinking about something, with the way you're showing up. And then you start to trust yourself again. You start to generate evidence that, yes, I can do this. And then things blow up. Your cognitive abilities come online. Your creativity comes online. You learn how to show up for yourself. And those other whispers that you've just been maybe ignoring, right, or the stories that you've been telling yourself, you start to have new perspectives on those and other things start to get really good. You know, I know in my relationship, and this happens with so many people, where relationships that people thought they were scared, like, Oh, if I get sober, maybe my relationship's gonna end. This is good. This is a huge, huge, huge thing for people. For many, many women, it's the opposite. They learn to stop nitpicking. They learn to step into their feminine and receive they learn to look at all the gifts of their relationship, right? They learn how to stay in their own lane and make themselves happy instead of waiting for someone else to do it, and then all of a sudden, their partner's changing and becoming like this love of their life, because they're taking care of themselves and they're not in desperate, clingy energy. It's amazing, inevitably, the other person always changes when they're not trying to control and micromanage everything, right? So the impact is beyond your wildest dreams. I would love to invite you to come and talk to me one on one, on a private consultation. We can talk about all this stuff. And I really want to know what is that whisper for you. What is the thing that wakes you up in the middle of the night that maybe you haven't been able to share with anyone else in our one on one container, we create a sacredness of confidentiality and consent, and I've been there. I've done it, I've seen it, I've heard it, and it is the perfect place, whether or not we continue our to work together, to just do something different, to just start your journey. It's a free and private consultation, and it will be life changing just that one hour. So the link to schedule is in the show notes, and I would love to meet you there. Have a great day. The days of white knuckling your way through an urge are over. No more distracting yourself, no more avoiding alcohol, no more resisting and I am not exaggerating when I say that doing this one thing for five minutes will change not only how successful you are in drinking less, but how much you will love your alcohol free life, you are going to feel so good. So come on over to my website or follow the link right here in the show notes to grab the free urge guide that gives you the exact cheat codes to use to find relief without a drink. And the best part is no deprivation, no missing out required. I'll see you over. Mary Wagstaff, coach.com, you.