Silent Sobriety

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Do you ever feel the pressure to announce your big life changes? In today’s episode, I’m diving into silent sobriety and silent activism—why sometimes the most powerful transformation happens when we keep it just for ourselves.

There’s so much talk about “recovering out loud,” and while that can be empowering, there’s also deep value in solitude and private commitment. When I quit drinking, I didn’t make a big deal about it. I was just making choices for me. And that shifted everything.

I also share a personal story about how Matthew proposed to me (spoiler: it was magical and completely unexpected) and how my deep connection to the Divine has shaped the way I experience life. Some things I just don’t feel the need to share—because they’re mine.

This episode will challenge you to look at your relationship with external validation and ask: What would change if you didn’t need anyone else’s approval?

Key Takeaways:

• Silence is powerful. Before seeking validation, take time to understand your why.
• Solitude and loneliness are not the same thing. How can you embrace time alone?
• Instead of figuring things out, try finding out—get curious and trust the process.
• Expect that there will be moments when old habits or thoughts resurface. It’s normal.
• Big life shifts don’t always need to be announced. Sometimes they’re more potent when they’re just yours.

If something in today’s episode spoke to you, I’d love to hear from you! Send me a DM on Instagram. And if you leave a review on Apple Podcasts, screenshot it, and send it my way—I’ll send you a free gift to support your journey.

Want to go deeper? Book a Sober Glow Up Activation Session with me and rewrite your alcohol story. Find the link in the show notes or head over to marywagstaffcoach.com.

Thanks for being here. See you next week!

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DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.

Transcript

Mary Wagstaff: 0:02

Music. Welcome to stop drinking and start living the feminine way. I'm your hostess. Mary Wagstaff, holistic alcohol coach and feminine embodiment guide here to help you effortlessly release alcohol by reclaiming your feminine essence. Sobriety isn't just about quitting drinking, it's about removing the distortions that keep you disconnected, overwhelmed and stuck in cycles of numbing. Each week, I'll share powerful tools, new perspectives that transform and deeply relatable stories to help you step into the power pleasure and purpose that it is to be a woman. This is your next evolution of awakened empowerment. Welcome to the feminine way. Welcome back to the show, my beautiful listeners, so I'm just gonna jump right in. How is it going? Did you decide to take an opportunity to find out versus try to figure it out. I would love if you would send me a DM and on Instagram, and I wanted to mention this, if you leave a review for me on Apple podcast and screenshot it and send it to me through Instagram or my email, I will send you a sweet, sweet, free gift that will really support you on your journey. So I wanted to talk today about Silent sobriety and also kind of silent activism. And there's no right or wrong, right, but I do think that there's a benefit of starting any journey or something that you're really passionate with and doing it without bringing attention to it. And there is this, there's kind of a big movement in recovery communities about recovering out loud, right? And I think that there can be so much power to that. I mean, here I am. I have a podcast about it, right? And I'm sharing with you and so you can be inspired. But I think there's layers of it, and I think to go inward, to do something for ourselves, and using silence and using solitude is really one of the first steps, is really under understanding for yourself and not for anyone else. Why this is important, and this was one of the reason. This was one of the things that actually helped me so much flip the switch on my sobriety, was I I didn't talk about it. I was making decisions for myself about what I wanted my life to look like, and because I was when I did share, I was very casual about it. I didn't, you know, post like, Oh, I've been sober for 43 days. And again, I'm not suggesting that you don't do that, but what is the benefit if you don't? What is the benefit of it's not about beating yourself up, but it is about going into quiet contemplation with you, your higher self, and whatever your relationship is to divinity. And sometimes I'm connecting to mother, Mary, sometimes I'm connecting to the earth, sometimes I'm connecting to the infinite field of God, or maybe I'm working with an ancestor with my grandmother. And there are all sorts of ways that we can connect to this inner silence. And the truth is, is that until you have a deep relationship with solitude and you can feel good in solitude and not need this external validation to give you permission to say, Oh, you're doing it right. Good job changing your relationship to alcohol or anything else you do in your life, not only will be challenging, because you need to learn how to be with yourself in a way that doesn't necessarily create, you know, boredom or loneliness, but loneliness isn't solitude, right? Loneliness is not a bad emotion either, but it's a yearning for wishing that you know there was someone else around, and how can we shift that into an opportunity to be in solitude? And I wanted to share with you this example, and this is like some people want external validation, and that really fuels them and fires them up, just as much as like people are extroverts and introverts, and I think that we should do what feels really good for us, and you are your own best teacher and your own best doctor. I have never flown that way, and maybe even to like, when Matthew proposed to me, and I'm just going to share this now, because I didn't even, I've never even shared the story, or maybe I did, I don't know, but you know, so many people post pictures of it. I don't even know if I've ever shared it. It was on our 10th anniversary. Matthew said, if we make it 10 years, he's going to propose me. I completely forgot it was our anniversary. So this was, this will be our 12th year in. July, and it was a super romantic, like setup. We were sleeping out in our bell tent because we were getting ready to sell our house, and he made this beautiful, like fairy ring around this glow in the dark ring around the ring. And he had these glow like this black light set up outside. And it was raining, and he popped out of bed. He never pops out of bed. He is not a morning person. I was like, why are you popping out about and I actually forgot it was our anniversary. We just, we never we're not big gift givers for one another. And we had talked about doing something, and then we were getting the house ready, so I kind of forgot about it, and it was misting and it was in the woods, in the forest. It was just so beautiful and so romantic, and I was completely, completely caught off guard, and it was the most beautiful ring meant for a queen, and it meant so much to me because I wasn't involved in it at all, right, but I don't share things like this, and I've shared things with you all about how I love surprises, and I could go to my grave with an unopened box. And I think that is because I have, for my entire life, I've had such a close relationship to the Divine that it's really just between me and God, and that's the most important thing to me, right? Like, and not to say there's ways I don't, you know, seek, saw, seek support or validation from people, and in times. I mean, you're gonna ask Matthew, He knows I talked to him about stuff endlessly sometimes, but I also, really, I also shared, and this isn't to say that I'm like better than either, right? This is, this is just an opportunity to see where are you not comfortable with just you and your information for yourself and knowing, right? It's like doing a good deed for someone, then having to talk about it and like, there's that altruistic perspective. So it's an it's just an opportunity to look at your relationship to that, and what happens if you don't how does that deepen your relationship to yourself, right? And that's why, and it is one of the ways I do feel like once I realized that that quitting alcohol, and you all know, I mean, I was a daily drinker for a long time, like I was getting like drunk all the time, like drinking bottles of whiskey, and no one would have ever really realized it. But I think it was relatively easy for me once I realized, Oh, I'm just deepening my relationship to myself, and what is it like when I'm hanging out by myself without drinking? I just never had the experience of it. I was just always drinking. And then I got to be curious, and I got to step more into my devotion of the feminine mysteries and things I didn't know, right? So it's instead of figuring out you're finding out, you're finding out what I don't what don't you know. So there was this Instagram like, you know, they have these trending reels, and I am just not like you guys can look at my Instagram. No matter how much I post, I could get, I get, like, no engagement. I think I have the best things, and I think it's because people are a little voyeuristic and they don't want to engage with the content. Because what does that say about them, right? Maybe, I don't know, but there was this trend about I'm 43 years old, and I'm not ashamed to admit and I'm gonna read it to you, because this is stuff like, not that I wouldn't share, but the attention this post got more attention than literally any post I've ever posted on Instagram, and it made me feel so uncomfortable because, like, essentially, it felt pretty inauthentic. I did it because it was this trend, and I was working with this social media person to, you know, engage more, right? And people responded to this because it felt very personal, and they could relate to it, but I was so uncomfortable because getting attention in this way like I would never share this, because I wouldn't want attention from it, because I've already dealt with it and moved on in my own way, and I don't want a validation for it, and I don't want sympathy, and I don't want anything for it. Maybe that's like coaching that I need to do for myself. But I realized in that moment that it doesn't make me feel good to actually share the things that I do as an act of devotion, the things that I do for myself to become the best version of of myself in that way, there's so many things right, and it's not it's fun. And could it help people relate to me more, maybe, but I do think that I've actually been able to have quicker and faster results because I you, I go this way instead of waiting for approval from someone else. So I'm just going to read it to you, because maybe this is my work. Maybe this is where I have resistance. I'm willing to be 43 and admit that whatever it is. So this got almost 4000 views, which is more than anything ever has. And that's still not even that many in the scheme of things. So it says, I'm 43 years old, and I'm not afraid to admit that. And you can go look at this. I've had lifelong depression, and I never talk about it and manage it with lifestyle choice, lifestyle choices, mindfulness practices and prayer. Now, what I believe, if you've been listening to the show, that everyone has depression, right? But there, you know, and then I think this is something that I want to teach is cyclically, as women, we can go into really deep states of despair and depression on a regular basis and a 28 day cycle. But it's, what do you want to make it mean, right? And now I just it's to me, I know it's like, I don't make it's not a problem. Like, I don't believe depression is a problem. And I also do things like, I don't eat refined sugar, and I don't, you know, I make lifestyle choices that don't that affect my my mental health. I don't drink. And as I shared with you last week, I have been taking this little magical elixir. It is amazing. I'm wondering if any of you tried it yet. It's called Magic mind. It is a mental performance shot, and it is about reclaiming your brain. So instead of engaging with something like caffeine, coffee that just doesn't actually add anything back. This has different nootropics, and it has 12 magical ingredients that are really supportive of cognitive function. And you know what I'll say is, if you are quitting drinking, and you are in your early stages of sobriety, and for anyone but the systems of your body are very imbalanced, and to have something to support you that is not a substitution, but something that's actually going to enhance your mental clarity so that you can kind of expedite the process of the detoxification magic mind is an amazing way to do that, all of the listeners today get 20% off using my special code, which is magic mind.com/mary, W 20, and I'll leave it here in the show notes. So I would highly recommend I still fantasize about running away, never coming back, and not telling anyone at least once a month. Again, cyclical, living. And I probably should have expressed this more in the post, is that, like just because I want to run away from my family doesn't mean I love don't love them, doesn't mean I love them any less. Doesn't mean really anything, right? It means that I don't want to have to think about things. And so what do I ask myself, okay, what do I need instead? And this is just such a good learning tool that I didn't even get to post in here. There were, you know, it's like, you can't you can only share so much. I ask myself now, from the feminine way, okay, What need do I have that's not being met? Maybe I actually, literally do need time alone. And the more I'm sharing this is, I'm realizing, as I'm sharing this is all of this relates to Silent sobriety, right? Me changing my own relationship, like I my spirituality. You all have shifted so much in the last 18 months. My political view, like so many things, have shifted, and I feel, do not feel a need to share them at all, because they're mine, right? And I share the things with you that I feel like will have a big impact, which is you taking personal responsibility for what makes you feel good inside, right? And what would shift if, instead of, you know, stating the obvious on a social media post about politics that you don't agree with, you went and picked up litter in the street, you went to a homeless shelter, and you served right. What would be the difference? And a lot. And I think a lot of times, social media is that opportunity for validation, and we're just in an echo chamber. Typically, when you're posting something about something that you don't like or disagree with, like all the other people that you know, feel very similar. And I think that there's this beautiful opportunity to get to know ourselves, to get to have real, deeper meaning and connection to our life, when we do some of this work in silence, when we don't bring attention to ourselves, and when we and you know it does true altruism exist. You know this is like the philosophical debate, because it does make you feel good. What does it feel like inside? So just test it out. Go do something literally no one knows about, not your husband, not your kids, not anyone, no one else knows about, except for maybe the people you're engaging with. And just see what that feels like. How does it connect you with a deeper sense of yourself? Okay, I digress. Number three, I don't have health insurance or a retirement plan now, this is something that I have a lot of beliefs about. Again, I have lifestyle choices, but sometimes I've had shame or embarrassment around this. And you know, there, there's that, um. Um, but these are things that I have decided. I've spent, invested my money in different ways, and at this moment, this is not necessarily important to me. I lost a considerable amount of hair and managed some debilitating digestive issues over the last months due to stressful life changes, and some of this I actually have shared with you. I threw myself into a tizzy. I was not being my best advocate. I was really resisting change, like I said about change of how my last episode, my coaching business, was going to be working change that I asked for this beautiful farm experience and that I was resisting it so much that God opened up my schedule for me, and there has been this beautiful opportunity to actually go like full on in this community that has embraced me. I've been teaching a couple of yoga classes, literally everything that I asked for. And I was like, no, let me do the same thing, but I didn't even want to do the same thing. No, I want, I wanted more of an in person business, and I'm figuring out how to merge the two. And I wanted to be able to invite you here to come do an in person VIP retreat with me, so that we can be on the land, and you can stay here and my glamping trailer and have the most luxurious time, and we can meditate in the barn and have a dance, right? This was what I asked for, and I'm having so much resistance to it, but, you know, in in a good way, like I'm seeing it, but I didn't see it, and the moving and all of the things I was I was stressed out, and I wasn't managing it, and I won't get into it, but I had some really gnarly digestive issues that I've never had. I went down a rabbit hole of food intolerance and all this stuff, and it was none of that. It was all emotional digestion, every single bit of it, right? But I did lose a lot of hair also, when we were on the road, and I shared that after six years of sobriety and helping 1000s of women, I occasionally question of alcohol as a solution for my emotional state. And I have talked about this too a little bit, but I think it can be scary, you know, as like a sobriety coach, to to admit that, like, yeah, of course, alcohol pops into my mind sometimes, and what I always say is a thought about drinking and and a the desire to drink and drinking are all very different things. And sometimes, this is what I really try to impress upon my clients and you all, is that sometimes there's a perfect storm of emotion that we've never experienced, or this old, old feeling or sensation of, you know, for me, it's like, no one understands. And then maybe I'm in a different part of my cycle, and who knows, I'm tired, right? Like, it's this, always this perfect storm of emotions where I'm like, what would happen if I had a drink? Or maybe I even have the thought like, Oh, does it, you know, like, does it matter? Or whatever? It's so bizarre, because it's so I don't ever think about it, but it does happen. And I would be lying if I said it didn't right, but I don't have an urge. I don't just sit with it like I don't have any of that stuff happen, but like the thought of alcohol passes through my brain. I literally created so many grooves in my brain that, of course, it's going to happen once a while, but it is directly connected to an emotional state. But because I know this, I don't like my our farm marketing coach, she says, just expect something is not going to work right. Like, on a farm, you don't, you plan that something's going to break right. Like, just expect that it's it's going to happen right? And so I know this, and I know life, so what I really want to impress upon you for this piece is that expect that cyclically, you're not gonna feel great, and that it's not a problem. And then I think the last piece of it was and you should just go listen to this. In 2024 I made less than half of the income that I made my first year as an alcohol coach, but I was prioritizing my nervous system over other people's, and my goal this year is to help 1000 female leaders quit drinking without labels, shames or feeling like something's missing and what I missed is being in their feminine and I prioritized my family and where we were going right over just marketing, coming up with new programs, coming up with new offers, and I took a break from the podcast. Now I didn't really take a break from the podcast, and this is another thing that I shared, is that I was still in the figuring it out. I was still trying to figure it out, and it didn't serve me. And the only way to stop figuring trying to figure it out and find out and be in the receptivity of life to be that is the ultimate. I think that's the ultimate quality of the feminine is to receive, to be in the receptivity of life, as you have to loosen your grip and you have to go into silence, you have to be in in quiet contemplation and not bring attention to this. It has to be for you. And ultimately, I did a ton of work with my inner child. I talked to her. I can see her in there. I can see her when she's crunched in a little ball and in fear and saying, Why do we have to do this again? Why are you doing this to me? And she considers me her mother, and I had to do a lot of deep re parenting, and I have to really consider her because she is the like measure of my nervous system, what my inner child looks like. I can go inside of my body, and I can see how what her state is like in any given moment. It's so powerful. And the moment I see her, I can just know yes or no what the answer is, and if I and where the state of my nervous system, and if she's crumpled up into a little ball and she is hiding out, then it's a no, right? It's too much. I need to rest. I need to chill. Know how it goes? I would love to hear from you. You can send me an email. You can drop into my DMs and Instagram. I'm in there all the time, and come follow us on the farm too. We're definitely engaging more, and the farm really is the next love chapter of our love story between Matthew and I. We've made a lot of big changes in our relationship that I would love to share more about, so that I can be in my feminine and and allow him to take the lead more where he didn't always get an opportunity to um. And so it's such a dream come true to be in this place that I didn't even know I wanted, really. I didn't even know I wanted the opportunity to lead more with the gift that I've been given of being a woman and the softness and it doesn't mean there's not hard work, because, of course there is, but it's such a joy. So where can you step into silence in your life and see the difference of the impact that you are making? Have a wonderful week, and I will talk to you soon if something in today's episode spoke to you deeply you are ready for your next level of awakening, and I want to invite you to book a sober glow up activation session with me where we can rewrite your alcohol story. Right now, we'll remove the energetic blocks that are keeping you stuck and stagnant to activated and alive, to book a session and to learn more, just follow the link right here in the show notes, or head on over to my website, Mary Wagstaff coach.com and find out what it means to truly live life from your most authentic self. I will See you over there. You