Stop Drinking and Start Living

Client Spotlight : An Unrecognizable Life With Janet

• Mary Wagstaff

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If you have ever felt like you've tried everything when it comes to quitting drinking, this episode is for you. 
My client Janet finally flipped the script in her mind when she discovered the holistic approach of the five shifts process. She had countless attempts at other programs that just didn't get to the root of the problem.  She could only get so far without befriending her emotions and learning to work with her thoughts to make the neutral. 

I am so honored to share Janets amazing story. Listen and take something away to apply to your life today! 

Key Takeaways :

  • What's reaquired for Personal Growth and Transformation and how to paving the way for a more fulfilling life.
  • How to shift your mindset with emotional management
  • Reduce the desire to drinking my practicing healthy boundaries
  • Overcoming shame and guilt
  • Utilizing support to create accountability, commitment and break free from limiting belief. 
  • Achieve an authentic sense of personal freedom and live your best life!

This time of year can be full of joy, but it can also come with extra stress and temptations around alcohol. So, I thought, why not offer something to help bring in a bit more ease and peace?
I'd love to spend this time together with you. I miss you! 
Pre Registration is required. For more information and to register, Click Here

You have everything you need right now to find alcohol freedom with The Stop Drinking & Start Living Course. Join 100's of Women who have successfully eliminated alcohol from their lives using The Five Shifts Processes. Click here to learn more and join.

Speaker 1:

To make that commitment. Yeah, it was a big commitment, I mean, but it's like nothing else worked. It's like it's about as my last straw, because I thought I've tried everything in the world. You know everything in the world. I tried these programs, I tried other therapy, rehab. It's like I don't know what it's going to take, but I think just the chance to be able to work one-on-one was a big driving point for me and plus the whole the holistic thing too was a big thing for me.

Speaker 1:

But it was worth every penny. I mean, it was just, it was in every moment spent on working, doing the work and all that in working with you. I can't explain that how much it has changed my life anyway. And yes, the commitment was, you know it was, and it takes a commitment and this is the first time in my life I didn't half-ass something. I mean I totally wanted to do this and I was in a, I was all in and I'm so glad because it has definitely paid off and it wasn't I don't want to say not painful, it wasn't painful, but it was just. It was eyeopening and I had to think about the shit and I didn't, and that's a lot of stuff that I buried, but it happened so fast.

Speaker 2:

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area you just can't figure out, you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20-year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms.

Speaker 2:

In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show. My beautiful listeners, thank you so much for being here for another episode. I couldn't be more thrilled and honored to bring to you a interview today with a wonderful, amazing, empowered woman who has been such an honor to get to know and just witness your transformation. This person has really, really shown up in such a big way from through curiosity and compassion and couldn't have exemplified the five shifts process more. So I'm just so thrilled and excited to welcome to the show one of my clients, janet. Janet, thanks so much for being here.

Speaker 1:

Hi, well, thanks for having me.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

It's good to be here.

Speaker 2:

Yes, it's always so exciting to just have these full circle moments with clients coming on the show, and I like to just start off for the audience to get to know you a little bit better. Just about yourself, how you're spending your days, what feels important about your life to share right now.

Speaker 1:

Well, I have to say, since October when I first started working with you, it's been a difference I think a 380, 360, whatever the math. Whatever turnaround has happened and shifted in my life. If you talked to me last October, I don't think you would be talking to a different person, number one, and then just working with you. It's life is so different and I didn't realize it could be so different. And you know, 61 years of age and I'm finally discovering what it is to really live and live for myself and to love myself enough that I can give to others freely, without you know, judgment resentful anyway, along that line. So, just a little, from then to now, it's a different way of life for me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely, I mean so, giving, giving to yourself freely or giving of yourself freely what does that? What does it feel like to be able to, just to do that?

Speaker 1:

Well, it's a whole, I mean it's. It's. It's just so different than what I've ever done because up until this point, it's like it's always been a, an agenda or whatever or something behind. You know what I'm trying to prove I've always lived in everyone else's shadow for so long and to really let all that go to see you know what. Who's Janet, what is she? You know what did I come into this life for? It's just it's. It's been truly inspiring and uplifting in words that I can't, you know, describe.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, the idea of always having an agenda to try to kind of you know fit some idea. You know who you thought you were supposed to be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and you know, the thing is, that person was here all along. I just couldn't. You know, I would get to the tip of the iceberg, I would think, and then you know, I don't know if you want to say, the wall goes back up again, or or what it is. It's like I could, just can never break through that, um, that wall, or get over that hill. Um, I would get so close but it just wouldn't go through. And you know, after years and years of that and just the frustration, I don't know, I hid myself between so many different vices, um, and that's what got me through. I existed day to day, I existed day to day and that was it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, let's talk about that a little bit. Um, so it sounds like your days are filled with more joy. Yes, less expectation, less pressure on yourself to be some way that you thought you were supposed to be, and it's so interesting, right Like we think we're working towards this. Oh, if I just get to this place, then I'll be happy. But we can just be happy when we get rid of the expectation.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it is. I mean, it's as simple as that, to be honest. But we can just be happy when we get rid of the expectation. Yeah, it is, I mean, it's as simple as that, to be honest. I mean it's just it's. You know.

Speaker 1:

I thought, okay, well, once my kids get older it'd be better. Once the you know I get through this job, it'll be over. I get to the you know, everything was in time increments or whatever. And I thought, okay, I retire, I'll have time to really work, cause I worked on, you know, to stop drinking things and working on myself. My, I mean, I had a whole library of self-help books and I finally just threw most of them away.

Speaker 1:

It just it wasn't helping. And I've had therapy before. It just wasn't helping, but it was just. It was just the mindset shift that I wasn't getting. And I wish I'd had this program, you know, even five years ago, because I think I'd be. I just I feel like I've wasted all this time which I haven't. It's an overwhelming process, but it's just the way you teach the mindset shifts and all that. It's like if I'd had that, then it would make more sense, I could still keep working, I could still, you know, enjoy the babysitting with the kids and all that. I just I just missed so much time and I don't feel bad that I missed it now, because I'm not missing it now and I'm getting it. I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, and from a coaching perspective, I would ask you why is this the perfect time? Why maybe wouldn't five years ago have been the time?

Speaker 1:

Why wouldn't five years ago have been the time time or, yeah, you know, I don't know. I wish, I wish I knew then what I know now. Um, because somehow I wasn't getting the message across and again I was doing these programs to say, okay, well, I do this, I do that, I should get up and journal, I should do, and it's like sometimes you don't have to. Everyone is so different. And I tried to put myself into all these other people was in the program and their shoes like, oh, they're doing it that way, I'm doing it wrong. And no one was there to tell me. Okay, you're not doing it wrong, you may be doing it right, you may be doing Janet's way, and that's right, and that's okay. There was no one there to tell me, or I couldn't see that five years ago, but I can see it now, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and sometimes that's it. We're not necessarily even if. Even if the message was there, you might not have been able to receive it. Right you just don't know Right, so tell. I mean, you kind of talked a little bit about your journey like that you, you have been trying some stuff, but just take us back a little bit of to kind of your history with alcohol and what. What has that looked like as part of your life?

Speaker 1:

I think my major shit, or my major sorry. When I started out really drinking routine or daily, I think my son was like three or four months old. I mean it was just. I had this fantasy my whole life get married, you know, settle down, have your kid, and. But it wasn't like that. My husband was gone and because he wanted to be gone, I mean it was just so. It was just me and this baby and then the child growing up and it's like I worked all day, come home, did, took care of him. So anyway the daily drinking started. Then it just helped me to cope and to them it's like okay, my little fantasy life isn't working out, so this is real now and I have to deal with it. But I really can't. So we off and on I mean that carried and basically that's when I would start. You know, stop for a couple years.

Speaker 1:

I went into rehab once into one marriage, start another one that wasn't going great, went into rehab, got pregnant and then, um, never drank through the pregnancies and nothing like that. I was, I was very um, healthy that way, um, but anyway, then it started again. You had the child and different things that happened with that marriage. You know, it's like the drinking, the alcohol, was there to help me cope. It was helping me to cope that and smoking, um, cigarettes, uh, but it was just just. It was like, you know, over and over I kept expecting things to change, it's like. But they didn't change. And it's like, in the, the day-to-day working, I had all the responsibility of myself, even through these marriages, all the responsibility, and I got through it. But the alcohol is what got me through it so fast forward. Kids are grown, they're out on their own, okay, well, you know, life's better. I can cope now without the alcohol. Well, I've been.

Speaker 1:

You know, I was too far into it then I couldn't cope because by then, you know, the habits were established and that was just my go-to. So that continued to be my go-to and probably maybe seven, eight years ago ago I was kind of getting worried about it, did a couple programs I didn't do AA, sorry, I know that works for a lot of people, but it didn't work for me. Um, when I went into rehab, that one time I did, you know, stay with the AA. I thought about going back to AA. That didn't work. Um, the other couple programs I joined, it's just, it wasn't. Everyone was truly, truly nice and all that, but I just couldn't fit in with a group Number one.

Speaker 1:

I always thought what I had to say really was that important or I didn't have enough to contribute. These people would talk in the group settings and have to contribute so much and I just felt like I didn't have anything to contribute. So I kind of fell back on that. And then I stumbled upon your podcast just by accident and I said, hey, you know, she's got something going here and it's not in the religion thing too. I wasn't really.

Speaker 1:

I was brought up, you know, in church and all that, but I, the religion thing, it just didn't get to me and that's, I was brought up, you know, in church and all that, but I, the religion thing, it just didn't get to me and that's, um, more of the spirituality and all that I've always been into, but kind of put on the back burner and I think it was just your approach, a holistic approach, the uh, the feminine, the divine feminine, and all that. It's like that altogether. It makes so much sense to me. Um, that altogether makes so much sense to me Because I kept praying to a God that didn't seem to answer or show or seem to give me any insight or you know how to go forward. But I always believed you know in a mother and a father presence and especially the divine mother. But I always believed you know in a mother and a father presence and especially the divine mother. I mean, I think that's just just awesome and powerful for me.

Speaker 1:

And I think that's been stifled, you know down, and that's just it's. It's a powerful thing. Divine mother is behind us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, I agree. It's a powerful thing. Divine mother is behind us. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah, she's always at our feet, right like yeah, um, there's this abundance, abundant energy. When we tap into that, we are always provided for. You know off the subject, but it's true, I think yeah it's, it's coming back, I mean.

Speaker 2:

But but part of our work is that right. It's like shifting from the scarcity and the lack of I don't that something's wrong, something's missing, that where the disappointment comes in, or the expectation to finding that part inside of you, because you are a reflection of that and I think that you know with. You know with no fault of your own right. You're a mother, you're young, you're, you're figuring it out. You only know what you know from the way you were brought up and you had expectations of a life that didn't turn out to be the way that you thought it should be, and so you didn't to meet your own you know you had a lot of needs, is.

Speaker 1:

What I'm hearing is like you had a lot of needs that were going unmet.

Speaker 2:

You were really working beyond your capacity to some degree and to without the mindset work that we've done together, without having access to like oh, because you know you might have been able, that might have shifted some stuff for you back then when you were your babies, but but you know it wasn't babies, but but you know it wasn't. And so to find some sense, like you said, of comfort, of just relief, it was like, yeah, of course there's addictive, addictive nature and addictive qualities to it. Um, what was the real, like kind of inevitability, that real impact at the end that was like, okay, I've got to, I've got to make a change. You know, you see here the podcast, you listen to the podcast and but you said, yes, right, there's a lot of people that listen to the podcast that don't, you know, necessarily say yes to going further, which is obviously fine, I know everyone gets value out of it. But what was that? Like I can't keep going on this way. Like, what was that for you in your daily life? How did that? What did that look like?

Speaker 1:

Well, for me it's like it's gotten, it had gotten to be a habit. It's like, um, you know, I started waking up so tired and, uh, hung over, but that's all I know for years. Um, so I, I wasn't happy drinking, and if I put a day or two, I wasn't happy. I just didn't know why. I didn't know why, and I I couldn't. That piece of the puzzle was missing.

Speaker 2:

Um, was missing. Yes, oh my gosh, I wasn't happy drinking, but you keep going back to it because you weren't happy, really when you weren't drinking, yeah, and I would get that moment of okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, now I'm good, okay, I can get through this evening, but you know, nothing got accomplished. Nothing got accomplished. I knew my health, you know, wasn't nothing got accomplished. I knew my health, you know, wasn't doing better. I mean, I just has been very lucky because with the quantities that I drank, it's amazing that, you know, I still astound myself.

Speaker 1:

My husband says, when I quit, I thought I was gonna go through, I thought you won't go through DTs or whatever. But he says, you know, I was, I was watching and I knew he had my back, you know, but it's just, something had to give because it was just, it was horrible. That's all I could think about. Is, you know, two, three, you know, cloth runs around. It's like, okay, which liquor store am I going to tonight? Which? You know, I'm just going to get my little bit.

Speaker 1:

And for the last six months I would just go buy a couple of shots, you know, try to, you know cut down or whatever, but the games that you play with yourselves, but I just the point is I wasn't happy and it's like it just it's. You see, all these, you read all these quitlet books and these different programs. It's like I want to be on the other side. I want to be on the other side, I want to see, I just want to get through, to get the other side, without it being horrible, horrible and um, and being uh deprived, uh, and it wasn't that way. Yeah, I mean it's not. Yeah, there was those days, but then I contributed to again, mostly to the habit, and that's one of the things you know, you teach in the course the habit. Yes, the alcohol is addictive. I mean it's, that is in there, but it's, it's the habit and it still is. I mean, and even with smoking and all that, it's still been what?

Speaker 2:

three weeks now, yay, I was going to wait for you to bring it up. I was like, yeah, well, let's talk about that.

Speaker 2:

Cause I just mentioned this with a client the other day who you know. One of the things I've said before is taking your last sip isn't the first step before? Is taking your last sip isn't the first step, right? So there's this mindset and this is like we count. You know the counting days and starting over and stopping and starting, and like you and I never we didn't do that, cause that's not what we do here Um, so you can actually reduce your desire to drink while you're creating a new mindset.

Speaker 2:

This is the process of curiosity, right? Like and like you're not a hundred percent alcohol free. Now, this I sometimes get a little nervous about saying this, cause then I feel like it gives people this license of like it's not. We're not working towards moderation, right? So I just want to make that clear. This isn't about trying to figure out a way to moderate. This is saying, like you don't have to go cold Turkey to actually make changes in the way that you're showing up for yourself, right? Yeah, so tell me a little bit about like right, right no.

Speaker 2:

What did that process look like for you?

Speaker 1:

Because you weren't cold Turkey when we started no, no, I was drinking just as much when I started the program. No, I mean yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

We had some of our you know hours and it's like I couldn't wait to get off and go and have a drink. That sorry I'm telling you that I mean, but no, you don't have to be done drinking to start this program that's the that's the result you get yes, yes, that's like because I would, uh, but and that's good too because you go through and do the exercises.

Speaker 1:

now, mind, you do them sober, but go through and do the exercises and really kind of get real. And it's like because when you take the drink that night, you think about it what's this doing to me? What's you know? Do I? You know it's a different way that you look at it when you do drink. I didn't change anything the way I was drinking or anything like that. I would just, let's just think about this, what's this doing? And you know I'm getting closer, I would, you know. And I did stop. And then I did stop for a couple of weeks. It was around the holidays.

Speaker 1:

The holidays are really really hard for me and it wasn't even on Christmas or whatever. It's just it was the week. And I think I explained to you in our session it's like between Christmas and New Year's I wanted the Christmas stuff out, I was done. I just wanted to put it down. Well, that's one thing too. When I decorate, take down, I always drink, and I did drink that week.

Speaker 1:

But it's like and I don't know, I had to go back and kind of re-evaluate okay, what, what did my body really need? What did I? You know, what was I really asking myself? And it was just rest and for it to be okay for you not to like, you know, or be done with Christmas, just something as simple as that. It's like okay, then put it down early, who cares, you know, it's just, it's just giving yourself permission to not like something or to like something. If you're not hurting anybody outright, it's all on you. It's what's in here, what's in here? The brain can play tricks on you. I mean, it's a lot of years I've been doing this to myself, you know, and it's it's okay if I don't agree, you know, with society or you know it's just okay about us doing, is we?

Speaker 2:

she? You know she used this term. You got to get real with yourself, right? And that's just being when we have these conversations or, you know, even doing the work on your own which you can do. It's like it's putting it all out on the table, because a lot of times we have these old stories and these old beliefs just in the background and until you examine them, they just you just keep believing them and you don't even really know that they're there, right? So the process of the five shifts is getting curious. Like you're saying, you, you get really honest. You have to be honest with yourself, like honesty is, and that's why we create this really like safe, judgment-free zone here.

Speaker 2:

So that honesty is, um, because we can't evaluate the why, right, what you really need drinking, we can't go back and evaluate if you don't, if you're not honest about it, um, and so that that piece of examining and then getting to really redefine, like you said, giving you permission, you know there's where that compassion comes in, and and and and just being super curious like that's what sober curiosity is is all about. So how did it become easier to say no? I mean if you were like drinking pretty regularly and then you said like okay, I had a couple of weeks off, like what was the shift in there where you just, you know, stopped going to the liquor store?

Speaker 1:

I just realized, you know it, just it wasn't serving me. I mean, I found other ways to fill that void, I guess. And giving myself permission to just do nothing, because all my life I've always had to go, do, do, do. Alcohol is the only time I could shut down. I think alcohol is the only time I could give myself permission to shut down, because when you're drinking you can't really be responsible for anything or doing anything. And again, to getting that couple, getting that feeling, to just a little bit more energy and a different look or outlook on things. When I wasn't drinking it's like hey, you know this, this isn't so bad and I can keep doing this.

Speaker 1:

The transition part from work where we might quit working from, you know, afternoon to late evening, you know the four o'clock, five o'clock, whatever, it's like I just just do something else. I mean, even if I played a game on my computer or I watched something on netflix or that kind of took care of that void, and that can go on without drinking, okay, have some coffee, then it's okay, you can drink coffee at night. Well, decaf, um, or something like that. Something that I didn't usually do uh, I was never much into the mocktails or make anything like that or that. I tried all that stuff and it just didn't work for me.

Speaker 1:

It's like like maybe I didn't really like the taste, I don't know, but it's like go ahead and have your diet code, go ahead and have something you know, just to bar through that to you know, and I don't say power through it either. I mean there were some times that was maybe a little difficult, but it's just giving myself the permission. It's okay to do nothing, yeah, and not drink. That makes sense. So I can do, you know well, and that's you know.

Speaker 2:

You talk about filling this void, right, and it's like when you give yourself permission to to be to rest, then you're meeting your own need, right. So what I say is we teach, you know, we work on what is the need that you think alcohol is fulfilling, right? Well, it gives you, it gives you permission, it gives you this opportunity to take a break. Well, when you start learning how to do it on your own and because what we worked through was the mindset right Around, the guilt or like what, what that story was that you were telling yourself of why you couldn't just relax, um, and so many people have this. This is so natural.

Speaker 2:

It's like, especially for women, they don't even really realize they're doing it and it's like, oh, this drink, I can like put my feet up, or it like helps me just decompress, when really all you need and what you're saying is like oh, I just decided to, I could just do that, I just made the decision right.

Speaker 2:

But we have to, we have to work through, we have to see what the objections are that come up that tell you oh, no, if you're not, just if you're not relaxing with a drink, right, then should be doing something. Now your brain you don't necessarily hear your brain saying that that's what we, we pull out with the questioning and the coaching. Um, tell me about some of the the resistance Cause. I know that you had to do some of this work of like actually being with yourself, being with some of the sensations or the emotions that would, would show up when the alcohol wasn't there, right, right, like what was underneath it, right, and it wasn't because it was like. So what was it like for you to learn to be with some of your emotions and your resistance?

Speaker 1:

I think just identifying what they are. Um, I know we worked on ETAs too, with we talked around babysitting the grandkids and stuff like that. You know, getting around that was a big one for me because I put resentment and obligation into all that and then in turn, because I didn't like the way that felt. That's why I drank was one of the many reasons. But once I identified that, it's like you know, setting the boundaries. Setting boundaries was a hard one, hard, hard, hard one for me. Um, but once I got past that, was able to sit about it and realizing that they all don't depend on me anymore, you know, it's that I can say no, that everything will be okay If I do say no, they won't hate me If I say no to babysitting the grandkids, um, and everything will be okay.

Speaker 1:

Um, and getting rid of the guilt that I felt, the guilt and shame by not being, you know, the grandparents that maybe I thought I wanted to be and wanted to be around the kids all the time.

Speaker 1:

It's like, no, I'm not that type. I love them to death, but it's like, no, I'm not that one that likes to have them around. And that may sound harsh and that may sound horrible, but that's just how I feel and I don't love them any less. I love them maybe more, and I think the time I do with them any less I love them maybe more. And I think the time I do with them I'm able to give them myself more because I've got myself rested, I've got myself in the right mindset so I can offer them. And I think that's just with anybody. I've got to take that time for me. But anyway, going back to that it's, it's like no, but it was just, it was working through that resentful, shame, guilt, all that, yeah, that I hid with alcohol, that I had to, kind of I did have to deal with that, yeah, but that was a breakthrough. Major talk about breaking down the wall.

Speaker 2:

That was a big one for me, a big wall so would you do you think that that was kind of like what you had shared really at the beginning when we started talking was you would get to this point where there was this wall right through? Do you think it was that, confronting the emotions that were underneath there?

Speaker 1:

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I mean, I think it's huge for everyone and it's like it's not even conscious. It's like there's like there's this fear of experiencing our emotions that we don't, but really like what happened. Like what happened in our time together, when you allowed yourself to go there. What did you believe about experiencing your emotions before and like, what do you believe about it now?

Speaker 1:

I didn't believe. I didn't think I could, I didn't think you know, I'd be a terrible person if I said all that or even thought that stuff out loud. But then I'm not. I mean work with you and then writing it down and just kind of put them out there. I said those ETAs are wonderful because you do, you think about it and you put it down for what it is and you go back to look it's like that's how I really feel. Is that how it really not feel? Yes, I really feel that way, but is that how it really is? And stay in neutral about it and looking at it from that point of view, it's like whoa, wow, you know, that was a big game changer for me is keeping it neutral yeah um, it's not about me.

Speaker 1:

It's not about me, it's how I react to it, how I feel, and that triggers everything else. If you kind of just let that go, you just have a clear head and I think you look at it more truthfully or not truthful. Well, truthful to yourself, and then again I'm can be more authentic, because that's the person I want to be. Um, because that's another thing too, like being, you know, raised as, like, you know, you do it, you know you don't you make the peace, you, you keep. You know you don't avoid conflict, but you don't make waves. That's kind of what I'm trying to say you don't make waves. Make everybody happy, do what you have to do. And in a sense that was tearing me down. I mean, that was I just couldn't do it anymore.

Speaker 2:

Well, and you're like you know, you have this thought. Don't make waves based on something that really in the end wasn't even right. So it's like, because now what happens is? We generated all this evidence for you that if I admit my feelings to myself and I decide on my boundaries and I'm actually happier, well, what happens? I mean, there was really there, wasn't there were no waves.

Speaker 1:

No, there really wasn't. It's like it was all in my head. It's crazy and it's like and I think, too, another thing that really helped me is like the inner child thing and it's like and some of the other reading I've done it's like you are kind of a product of your environment to a certain point, because that's all you've known, you know, up to so long in your life, and then you're able to form your own opinions. You know whether they're right or wrong. They may not agree with your parents way of doing things or your grandparents, or maybe even the way society sees it now, but that's okay too. I'm not hurting anybody. I'm not, you know, and I respect other people's opinions and that's fine because everyone's entitled to it, Because I'm entitled to mine. I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I think, yeah, just bringing down that wall. It's like I said, the big thing keeping things neutral, and if something does, you know, get to me or whatever, or I get back into that. I want to go back to that head. You know, mindset. I got to stop and just sit and say, okay, what's this really about? Even just a minute? Or just to sit in a car, take a deep breath, what's this really about and then go forward.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, beautiful. Well, and it sounds like too, you know, when you have offered yourself this, this permission, offered yourself to be more authentic, then there's this rip, there's it's easier to be able to do that for the other, you know, to be able to do that for the other, you know. And so, even if there are waves right, because you do like you might, you've shown up in different ways than people maybe have expected you to in the past. Right, how do you handle that differently now?

Speaker 1:

Uh, I don't, I don't. It's not. I don't make excuses, it's. I don't offer explanation like I used to. It's like yes or no. I don't have to have a reason, it's just I don't want to. Yeah, so I don't say that if they ask me someone's like no, that's not going to work out for me, and stop and leave it at that. Don't make up something, or don't say that if they ask me someone's like no, that's not going to work out for me, and stop and leave it at that.

Speaker 2:

Don't make up something or don't just say no, they don't need an explanation, gosh, I love this so much.

Speaker 1:

It's just like so much power it is. It really is, and it's it's my power now. I don't have to give it away. It's not to say every day is perfect. I mean, yeah, there's some moments, but yeah, it's just so much freedom now I didn't have before.

Speaker 1:

That's amazing that's. It's an awesome feeling. It really, I mean, it really is. Sometimes I'll get into the thing or think back on things, or whatever. It's like, okay, and just reading that one book that you told me that untethered souls I think it was but things happen in the moment and when things happen in that moment, it stays in that moment and you don't have to bring along with you, um, something along that line or anything. But it's like, if it comes back, you think about something bad you did in your life, or I should have done that differently, or whatever. And it's like, okay, think about something bad you did in your life, or I should have done that differently, or whatever. And it's like, okay, think about that, but just let it go, acknowledge it, let it go. And that was a hard one for me because I think, oh, I just that's why this part of my life screwed up, I did that wrong. It's like you can't go back and you can acknowledge it and let it go, forgive yourself. Sometimes I'll forgive myself. It's like.

Speaker 2:

I wish I, you know I really didn't do that. Okay, I forgive myself, let it go, let's move on. Well, and what is required in that, like you said, is the acknowledgement first. It's like, you know, and that's why so many people keep coming, keep going back to alcohol is because there's just this avoiding, or willpower, white knuckling, and it's like when something has taken up so much of your life and it's intertwined inside of all of your emotions, right, like it's essentially how you learn to process emotions is through drinking, right.

Speaker 2:

So that means you're not really processing them. You thought you were, yeah, you thought you were, you thought you were just, you know, avoiding them and it's like no, and, and that's why we you know, janet keeps emphasizing staying neutral. So what we do first is we create safety. We create a sense of safety through, you know, using curiosity and then and compassion, like you're talking about forgiveness, so that, testing it right, we just put dip a toe in, right. So Janet and I did a lot of work on planning ahead of time Okay, what is the mindset that you need next time this happens? And then you dip a toe in something that's not super risky, right, right, right, yeah, generate evidence that, oh, I did that, I didn't die. And then, and then soon, you're like Janet and you're like I don't make.

Speaker 2:

I just shared this, I think, on today's podcast. There's this book. I'll share it with you too. And this woman, a character in the book. She says I don't, I'm a woman, I don't need to explain my emotions. Some one another character asks her, and I was like I just love that so much, like I'm just using that forever. I do, I love it Well, because when we feel this need to explain or defend our decisions. There's something inside of us that's not quite sold on it, right, there's like that, like you said, the guilt, the shame, until, as the person, you come to terms with it, right, like that's why there's that need to want to defend, to want to explain, because there's something inside of you that has an objection to it.

Speaker 1:

You know, and so you just did that work to overcome the objection, so then you can do the thing without you know, I would keep a diary too, sometimes, the days that or what I'm drinking and all that, like at the time that I was really drinking pretty heavy. Okay, well, the times I wrote down stuff. But it's just, it's just the same old thing, the same old things. It's like the shame, the guilt, um, the past, you know, trying to find someone to blame on, you know, and it's like it was the same old cycle, over and over and over. And I lived with that for what? These 30, 20, whatever, how many years, and especially in the last 10 years, I've been trying to write everything down and it's just, it's enlightening to let all that shit go. I mean, it's that doesn't define me anymore. That's not who I, that's who I was with the alcohol. That's not who you know I really am. That's not my authentic self.

Speaker 2:

Well and you just said it to let it go, cause it really is. It's not easy, but it is simple. And it's like I'm holding all of this. I'm holding all of this, this person's reaction. I'm holding all of this, this person's reaction, this person's life, their story. I'm holding my reaction and it's all in our heads and we do some specific types of exercises to really let it go Like, oh, I can just set that down, I didn't even know Really. And then there's this lightness.

Speaker 2:

But what happens, too, is when you have the alcohol, that reinforces the story and the same energetic pathways, even that, the holding on to some of that like drama I'll use that term for lack of a better word like stories, that becomes a little bit addicting too, right, like there's this comfort in the story because it's what you know, it's what you've done, right. So so you have to start to create a new story which is really your authentic self simultaneously. So it's like we break down the old beliefs that aren't serving you and we start to build you up at the same time.

Speaker 2:

And and then there's like this beautiful tipping of the scales that happens, yeah, feel more comfortable in this new self-expression then and it doesn't have to take 30 years, because janet and I haven't even been working together for a year, I mean, and it had like the big shifts happen pretty quickly and then the rest of it is kind of maintenance. But you know, you have the new level of awareness that you can't like unsee, right, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and that's it Totally. Once you made that shift, you're right, you can't go back. You don't want to go back.

Speaker 2:

To go back, um, you don't want to go back, um, to go back, no. So talk a little bit about what it was like for you and I mean, I know you had done some other programs and you had gone to rehab in the past but what was it like for you to make the investment to do this work? Because there, you know, it does require a commitment, um, and an investment sources, what like when you? What did that mean to you alone to do?

Speaker 1:

that make that commitment. Yeah, it was a big commitment, I mean, but it's like nothing else worked. It's like, to be honest, it was my last straw because I thought I've tried everything in the world. You know everything in the world, I've tried these programs, I've tried other therapy, rehab. It's like I don't know what it's going to take, but I think just the chance to be able to work one-on-one was a big driving point for me and plus, the holistic thing too was a big thing for me. But it was worth every penny. I mean, it was just, it was in every moment spent on work and doing the work and all that in working with you. Um, I can't explain that how much it has changed my life anyway.

Speaker 1:

And yes, the commit was, you know it, you know it was, and it takes the commitment and this is the first time in my life I didn't half-ass something. I mean I totally wanted to do this and I was in a, I was all in, and I'm so glad because it has definitely paid off and it wasn't I don't want to say not painful, it wasn't painful, but it was just. It was eye-opening and I had to think about the shit and I didn't, and that's a lot of stuff that I buried, but it happened so fast, I think and I can't tell you the exact time or whatever or what it did but it's just in that period of probably those three months between November to January, I think, we hit a big, a big portion of that wall was broke down. Um, you know, for me anyway, and I didn't think anything would ever work, I I, to be honest, I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop and it was scary. I was scared, you know, I was scared myself, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, what did you need to believe to keep coming back to show up to make like? I mean, you had the thought that nothing is going to work. Nothing might work. So what did you have to believe in that moment?

Speaker 1:

Cause there is like there's that voice inside of you right To like, actually say yes of you right to like actually say yes, um, I think, actually meet with you for the first time and keep listening to the podcast and listen to some of the other people, your other clients, um is what continued the motivation. Um, I don't know. Just something me said this is the time, this is the you know, and this was the place with you. This is what finally made me commit. And then to the investment. Yeah, that's, that's a lot.

Speaker 1:

It's like okay, yeah, and I've invested in a lot of other programs too, but I mean, this one was just you've got to make this work, you've got to make it stick, something just going with an open mind, try to um, but again it's like, and again it's like just keeping everything neutral. I think, and once that finally clicked in my head is keeping thoughts neutral, keeping the situations neutral, keeping, um, neutrality, whatever. Being neutral and everything, uh, is what made it click for me. Yeah, I'm teaching that one point and then I could, like I said, put everything else together, but but, yeah, I mean, I it's the best time, money, whatever ever spent, because I really thought I was a lost cause and, like I said, the other programs just didn't seem to click for me and this is why and the chance to be able to work one-on-one, or even you know, even some of the smaller groups that you had. You know I would never speak up and whatever you had, that one group was in December, you had that, you know, 40 days, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I was going to actually ask you about that. I was like, I don't know, janet had a lot of 40 day challenge. We had a pretty it was, like you know, pretty intimate live group, but there was, you know, we had a full room of people. It's like full zoom room.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we did, and that was kind of the zooms I was in on before. But I just never felt comfortable speaking up. But I did in your group Cause I feel like, well, they don't like what I have to say. Okay, well, everest. I kind of got over that. I don't know, it's just like I said it's, it's Everest. I kind of got over that hump. I don't know, it's just like I said it's. I'm just it's, can't get the words out. It's a thing just keeping neutral. It's not all about me. You have something to say. I do have something to say. Uh, it may not be what other people want to hear, it may not make sense to anybody, but I do have something to say. I mean, and I don't it. And realizing that and being able to express myself now is a gift I think that I never thought I could give myself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Well, I am so thrilled that you did give yourself that gift and you know, I will say my Zoom room is probably a little bit different than some other people's Zoom rooms.

Speaker 1:

But that's what clicked for me and I think that you know it's just it's we're doing something. Everybody in there got something, you know. Yeah Well, and that there got something you know.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, and that's the thing, right, Like and I always say to people on the show that you're a frequency match. If you found your way here, there's something about what I'm laying down that you're picking up Right. And so when we came into the 40 day challenge, it was like everyone in that room was in that vibe right. One in that room was in that vibe right. We might not conforming to the same ideas, but agreeing on what you just said, that we all have something to say, and I think you feel that too, and so it creates that sense of safety.

Speaker 2:

And I remember our first call and you saying, coming into this with a belief that maybe it wasn't a hundred percent, but I do remember you saying, like that was what our sessions were called. It was like this time, like this is the time it's going to work. I can just feel it, I know it. You did start off with that belief of this is going to be different, you know, and I do think, like showing up, having a meeting with me, you know the accountability and always here and always open, open to the coaching, and so that's the other thing I always tell people. It's like there has to be a willingness to want it to change and to really want it to be different. And then decide, like you got, to want to disprove what you believed before in order to believe something new. And then, if you believe something new and you still want to go drink, then by all means, but give yourself a chance and show up, oh, like you said, with an open mind, like I want to know what I don't know.

Speaker 1:

And then to the correspondence you have with the emails. You know it's. That's helpful too, because then I like that, because sometimes I'm better at writing things on paper right and write it all out. You've seen stuff I've scanned in, because I'm better handwriting as opposed to typing and stuff, and being able to do that and send it to you at my own leisure, that's what's nice too. And then you can tear it not tear it, but break it down for me. Okay, I see what you're saying there. I see what you're saying there, and then have me go back and take a different look at it. That helped a lot too, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's just a whole different perspective and that's what I say. Like I've been thinking about this cause I've been writing the book and it's like we agonize over the question why do I keep doing this thing I don't want to be doing Right, why, why? But we never try to answer it, right, we never really answer it. And it's like the magic lies in the answering it, because then you have more information about what your brain is telling you. The story is telling you. If you just keep asking these rhetorical questions like you don't get anywhere, right. So it's like okay, for real, why let's answer that? And then we just keep going deeper and then we're like oh, here's that core belief I have, that you know that creates resentment. And then we solve for that. And then we solve for all these other reasons why you were drinking, because you weren't creating boundaries. And then you're quitting smoking. You're like reading books, taking names, loving life.

Speaker 2:

I'm just so glad to be here. It's so great that you're here. So, Janet, you have inspired so many people today, um, through your message of freedom and, um, I just want you to take a minute to acknowledge that the work that you have done for yourself is just such a gift to not only you, but to everyone. I mean, it really truly creates an impact, a ripple effect, when we have more freedom and peace inside and more peace inside of the world. So thank you for the willingness to look within and and keep shining your light brighter.

Speaker 1:

Thanks so much for being here, Thanks, Mary.

Speaker 2:

You're welcome. Thank you everyone for being here and we will see you next time, none of this would be possible without you.

Speaker 2:

I wanted to say thank you so much for being here and, as a special gift, I want to give you access to a masterclass that I created called Fearless Sobriety. It is going to walk you step-by-step through my five shifts process that is going to help you really gain a new perspective on an old habit, and once you sign up and you're registered, it'll take you only about 15 seconds and you'll be rated. It's on demand. You will receive a bonus guided meditation that's going to help you learn how to experience sensations in your body essentially from urges, from emotions without freaking out. It's going to help you learn to regulate your nervous system so that you can be in any situation anywhere and feel grounded and feel safe. So head on over to my website, marywagstaffcoachcom. It'll prompt you to click the link for the free training and I will see you on the inside.