Stop Drinking and Start Living

How To Respond To Others About Your Drinking

• Mary Wagstaff

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If you have ever thought, " I don't want to make anyone feel bad because I'm not drinking." You are in the right place. 

You don't want your drinking to impact other people in a negative way, so when you are asked about it, you freeze.  

You don't know how to respond and end up defending, explaining yourself or pointing the blame at you. 

This is not the way to establish confidence in your alcohol free journey. 

How you  respond to others as you go along your alcohol free journey, will dictate your success in a huge way.  

In today's episode you will learn:

  • The thoughts you have that aren't true about other people
  • What you need to understand about yourself to be confident responding to others about your drinking.
  • Exactly what to say and how to say it in a way that invites people in to a conversation rather than creates shame or defiensiveness.
  • Where to focus your attention when you are in social settings that will reduce your fear and desire to drink.
  • Why we go into freeze and need to defend or explain ourselves. 

TED TALK: One Simple Trick To Reclaim Your Power
Kasia Urbaniak's Work

This time of year can be full of joy, but it can also come with extra stress and temptations around alcohol. So, I thought, why not offer something to help bring in a bit more ease and peace?
I'd love to spend this time together with you. I miss you! 
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You have everything you need right now to find alcohol freedom with The Stop Drinking & Start Living Course. Join 100's of Women who have successfully eliminated alcohol from their lives using The Five Shifts Processes. Click here to learn more and join.

Speaker 1:

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area you just can't figure out, you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20-year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 1:

My beautiful listeners, thank you so much for being here for another episode of the podcast. This is your journey of awakened, sober living. That's what this is all about. It is about awakening to what it's like to be fully alive, fully awake, fully connected, fully embodied, and I just wanted to say thank you so much to those of you, to everyone, for being here, but to those of you who have shared this episode on your feed, tag me in your stories and, for those of you especially, leaving a review on Apple Podcasts and subscribing it means so, so much, and if you haven't made it over there, please just take the time to go and do so. Rate it, leave a review and share it with a woman who you love Because, as we know, this content isn't just about living an alcohol-free life.

Speaker 1:

It's about living a fully embodied life. So I'm just going to get right on with it, and one of the things that I know is so challenging for most people at the beginning of their journey is what is everyone going to think? What do I say? How do I respond? How do I talk to people about it? And the skinny of it in reality is most people don't care. Most people actually are so concerned with themselves. It's not that they don't care about you, it's just that the nature, human nature, we are so wrapped up in our own reality and our past and our future that we're not really thinking about other people for more than just a couple of seconds. And if we are, we're kind of creating some drama inside of our own heads. Right, like it takes a lot to be, and this is the beautiful journey of awakening is when we start really presencing ourselves and we start being compassionate with ourselves and questioning our own thinking and whether or not it's actually true or factual. We start to see that with other people Like, wow, we stopped taking things so personally, so fast forward to the cliff notes is that people don't really care about your drinking.

Speaker 1:

What your drinking does is it reflects their behavior and now some people may be genuinely curious about it, but it all depends on how you present yourself, and so how we respond to other people about our drinking is going to depend really on your own personal beliefs about it, and this is the thing that we do in private coaching and that is also available in my course Awaken Sober Living this is what is available for you there is to understand and learn. What does this journey really mean to me at this stage and it's going to change your idea of your sober, curious journey is going to be very different as the years go on, because I do feel like I'm still living an awakened sober life. It's really turned into more of a sensual sober life living Because now I have access to really uncovering my pleasure and all sorts of other facets that I just, you know, I wasn't even aware of. And we respond to people based on what we believe about the situation ourselves. If something you know is just absolutely ridiculous and just doesn't trigger you at all, you're going to laugh something off, right, like if someone's like, oh, I think that that's your real dad over there, right, and there's like this guy walking across the street and you're like, no, you're not going to spend time arguing about it, you're just going to be like that was weird, right.

Speaker 1:

But if there is, you know, someone in your life, if that has been like an issue for you, and they're like, oh, I thought that that was your dad, right, and you, you have had some question about that in your life. Now you might respond to it. If you, there's some, there's some reason why you, you don't feel confident in that area and like defensive about it and like, no, I don't associate with that person as my dad, this is my dad, right, like. I have this experience where I the my, my dad I'm giving this example because I guess it's my life, um where my dad is not my biological dad, right? So if someone was like that's not your dad, I would be like, no, that is my dad, right? I might be a little bit defensive about it if it was like the real person, but with someone across the street walking, I'd be like, no, you don't know what you're talking about, right?

Speaker 1:

So the what we believe is going to is going to inform how we respond, right, and this is so important to be grounded in this understanding of your intention and the thought work behind it. Before you go out into the world. You can pre-plan what you're going to say from a place of confidence. And again, this will change as your confidence grows and you have more embodied evidence of what it feels like in your body to be with other people, sober and not drinking. And at first it's going to feel a little bit different because you're just getting used to your body. And I'm going to give you a little bit of a foreshadowing Next week we're going to talk about the number one priority for your sobriety, which is creating a sense of safety, and so that is going to kind of prelude these conversations, but it's also going to be the main foundation for everything else you do in your life, with or without other people. So you have all of these thoughts based on your old belief structure about alcohol and your ability to quit drinking and what you've made it mean about you and what it means about other people and all of these things that aren't really rooted in a thought or a belief or an essence that makes you feel confident or at least just neutral. And so when I was going out in, this was one of the things that really started the understanding of the five shifts process.

Speaker 1:

When I was going out and sharing about not drinking, I didn't really declare it to anyone because I didn't feel like I needed to. Some people feel like they have that need Like I have to tell everyone. It felt like such a personal journey to me that I didn't need to do that. But the most neutral thing that I felt that was really honest for me at the time, at the beginning, was I'm examining my relationship to alcohol. Like I don't really know what this means, but I know that I'm looking at it through a different lens, and that felt really like when I say that out loud, yeah, I'm exploring my relationship to alcohol, that feels really neutral in my body. So before, ahead of time, I would really ask yourself the question why aren't you drinking to yourself? And then, whatever your answer is see how that lands in your body, and then you want to find out what are you making this mean about you and what are you making it mean about the other person, and you want to understand how those thoughts land in your body.

Speaker 1:

So a lot of times these are kind of the three common themes that people have when they're interacting socially with other people. I don't want to make them feel bad. I don't want my lack of drinking to make someone else feel bad. When I say that out loud, it seems like the most ridiculous thing in the world. We are all grown adults and the truth is you can't ever make someone feel bad.

Speaker 1:

It really is based on the beliefs that they have, because there is energy. Right, if you scream in someone's face, that's going to create an energetic shift in vibration, but not everyone's going to be upset about that. Some people will be like whoa, I'm out of here, right. Some people might cry, some people might do other things. It's so individual so it's really subjective. So there's not one action that you can take that's going to appease everyone or make everyone feel the same way. So it's good to know, going into any social setting, the way that it makes your partner feel versus your kid feel, versus your grandma, versus your mother, versus your sister, versus your best friend, versus a stranger, versus the bartender Like it's going to make every your not drinking is going to make everyone else, everyone, feel different. Every single one of those people are going to make every your not drinking is going to make everyone else, everyone, feel different. Every single one of those people are going to have a different thought about it, right, so I don't want them to make them feel bad. Some people might feel happy, right, your brain is going to protecting yourself, and the reason that it does that is because you aren't grounded in the safety of this new self-concept yet and you think you're protecting yourself. There's a part of you that thinks this is social death.

Speaker 1:

Right Now, there is a big difference between fear, which exists in your head, and danger, right, and so you really want to know what is the worst case scenario, right, you need to ask yourself that question and really come up with an answer. Someone, you know it's like the idea like sticks and stones may break my bones, right, like we have to really step into a place of maturity here and be like who are we hanging out with If the worst case scenario really came to fruition and someone was like making fun of me, get rid of that person. Like go, don't, do not hang out with that person, get rid of them, but just like be like whatever dude. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous that it really is ridiculous that we have these thoughts of like people are going to make fun of us and antagonize us, like that is the beyond you drinking if the people in your life don't support your decisions. Now there may be some people, like your partner, who, all of a sudden, you kind of change the rules of the game and they're like hey, wait, I thought we were doing this. Now there's room for a conversation. Like hey, I understand that this is how we used to interact, but I need you to understand that this is you to understand that this is. You know why is it important to you that I don't drink? So that's, this is kind of how we want to respond. So I don't want to make them feel bad. I don't want them to think I'm an alcoholic right, that's what I'm making it mean about me, or that I have a problem or that something's wrong. And I don't want to be a buzzkill. I don't want to ruin everyone's night because I'm not drinking Again, something that we're completely not in control over. Everyone has their own thoughts. Most people are more concerned about where their alcohol is coming from. So, and what happens if you're not prepared? And this is why I really, really, really encourage people not only to prepare what you want to say, how you want to have these conversations ahead of time, but also your heartfelt intention for being in an environment.

Speaker 1:

I just wrote this chapter in my book about how you set yourself up for success, not by focusing on moving away from alcohol, but moving towards the reason that you're engaging in this circumstance in the first place and really tapping into there is some tenderness, there is some wholesomeness. And if you can't find the wholesomeness wholesomeness at the beginning of your sobriety and the real tender essence of life, of why you're doing what you're doing will get you so far, and there has to be a willingness to look for that. And I really think that the reason that you're here with my energy and with my constructs, concepts, is because you do want more meaning and connection in your life. You're really feeling that you want that within yourself. So, tapping into those underlying emotions of not being able to be present with yourself, not being able to really connect with the real energy of, like, why you had kids in the first place, why you had a family, what your friendships even mean, right, you get to dive into that for yourself and really explore that and that becomes kind of that party of one of you being able to redirect your energy and we'll talk about that next week also.

Speaker 1:

So oftentimes there's this freeze moment of wanting to defend yourself, right, where it's like someone catches you off guard. You don't know what to say. You kind of need to justify it. You blame yourself. There's a lot of self-blame, like, oh, I just can't drink like other people, or I can't handle it right, which maybe is true, but it doesn't feel good. So we really want to look for the truth that feels good in your body, that feels confident, that feels honest, that feels like your energy doesn't all of a sudden crumble and you start having this self-shame and turning the energy inward. It's like there's this groundedness where you can think about, you know, a root or a grounding core dropping you in the ground. Your heart is open, right, but there's like but there's. There's this energy moving outward where it's like you're having a, still having a conversation, and that was really why the transition for me when I finally made it there right, and why I'm writing the book so that you don't have to take the same amount of time, and why I do the podcast and the coaching and all the things, so you don't have to take as long in your sober, curious journey as I did, because now I have this method of what I know works. But it's subjective too. The words that I said don't necessarily resonate with you, but what I know, that the energy of what they were where. They were clear, they were honest, they were confident and they created an opportunity for a conversation where the energy was still moving outward, it was still moving towards the other person that didn't turn inward to like, oh, all of a sudden now, like all eyes are on me and I'm scared, I'm, I don't you know, I'm feeling defensive, I'm feeling attacked, I'm in this freeze moment.

Speaker 1:

There is a um, a, um, a Ted talk that I really want to recommend and I will link it in the show notes. I say that a lot and then I forget. Um, the woman's name is Kasia Urbiniak and she wrote an amazing book that I've been recommending to everyone. I don't recommend a lot of other things, but it is so in line with the work that we're doing and going beyond just alcohol into feminine empowerment. But the TED talk is called One Simple Trick to Reclaim your Power and in her book Unbound, she talks about and in this TED talk about the way where we place our attention is how we have the biggest influence. Right. So you want to be in control of your world, your environment, to be in control of your world, your environment, the influence that you're making. Right, if you are super passive and you start to shame and to blame yourself, the energy of the other people that you're with are going to start to now. That's going to create some more thoughts that they maybe didn't even have. Right.

Speaker 1:

But if you want to own this change in your life from a place of empowerment, to really get to know yourself, to take control over your life, of where your life is headed, and to be an example of what's possible, you want that energy moving outward and you want this to be a two-way conversation right Now. It could just end there Now. It all depends, of course, on the person's energy, like if they're being just simply curious or if they're like oh, that's boring, right, there's so many circumstances that could take place, but you need to understand first what your truth is right and you need to identify if you're having these other thoughts that are subjective and hypothetical, based on what you think other people are going to believe, because you just don't know. So you need to be grounded in your truth so you don't have that freeze moment of needing to defend or justify yourself, because this is really a lack of understanding of what you truly need, what you truly want, and you're projecting based on these old beliefs that have actually kept you stuck drinking right.

Speaker 1:

So in this TED Talk, kasia Urbaniak says asking a question, asking a question is the simplest way to stay grounded in your energy and to turn the energy back towards the other person. And it doesn't have to be defensive. You could simply ask and I think this is the best question, for anything that someone says to you about your drinking is asking why is that important to you? From a real, genuine place. Is asking why is that important to you From a real, genuine place of curiosity why is that important to you? And see what they say? Because now you're going to have more information, right, but still understand what your truth is right. So that's one way to shift the energy right. So that's one way to shift the energy. The other way is, like I was saying earlier, to tell the truth from your heartfelt intention. Right For me, my heartfelt intention was staying curious.

Speaker 1:

I wanted to be super curious about what I didn't know about sobriety. I was so sold on alcohol but I hadn't until I started using the five shifts. I hadn't really questioned like wow, I could actually do this. Like I didn't even know there was a choice. My awareness was so narrow. It was like, oh, there is a choice I can actually like, choose not to drink tonight, and that could be okay. So that was my truth.

Speaker 1:

So I would find a statement, a sentence that's your truth that is neutral to positive, not you know. And if this makes you feel good, that's your subjective interpretation. But like I can't handle it, it's not even, it's not serving me. I don't really feel like that is always the most, like that doesn't always land in my body. I want to see what else is possible. I feel better when I don't. Right, I enjoy it. I enjoy not drinking. That's a truth, right, that is a truth. I enjoy when I don't drink. That is a truth for a lot of people, right, you might enjoy drinking also, but both of those things could be true in the same breath, right? Waking up, feeling not hungover, being present for your children, being able to drive home, being able to put yourself to sleep tonight, and that's always what I encourage. Fall in love with sobriety. Let sobriety work for you. So find out what your truth is in a statement that feels confident, truthful and grounded, and you could use all of these in concert and they would work beautifully. You can also pause, right?

Speaker 1:

I have this tendency, especially with people that trigger me, or like when there's conversations with people that like, maybe I'm not used to like going deep with, or they already feel defensive because that person's combative. I think one of my biggest shadows is shying away from, like confrontation. I just haven't practiced enough, and I think, as women, we are always needing to defend ourselves, right, and so I see doing this with myself, doing this with Matthew, and it's my biggest. My work right now in my life personally is this is pausing. When I feel myself wanting to defend or explain myself, I want to pause. I want to come inside and give myself a moment to even close my eyes, take a deep breath and like, just that, if I could get that far, like what is my truth right now and I heard this in a book that I'm listening to, which is also such a good book if you are interested in magic and mysticism and shamanism and connecting to life and listening to the messages of life, just like beyond social media, like really being in touch with the elements and your own senses is the book Brita by Paulo Coelho.

Speaker 1:

Nura Rochelle, who you know on the show, I had heard about this book but she's like, oh, it's my favorite of his books and he's really prophetic. And then Matthew actually listened to it and it was like, oh, it's so good. But there was a line I heard, actually just last night, and she, one of the main female characters in the book, not Brita, but her teacher is asked by an ex lover about something about her, how she's doing, and she says I'm a woman, I don't need to explain my emotions. Oh, hell, yes, that is like my new. You don't even need to say I'm a woman. I just want to say like I don't need to explain myself or I don't feel I don't.

Speaker 1:

I'm not comfortable talking about that right now I don't feel like sharing that. What? How could you say that in a way that felt really confident, right? I don't feel like sharing right now. I don't want to talk about that. I don't need to explain myself to you or to anyone I really love. I'm a woman and I don't need to explain my emotions or my reasons. Right, I am a sovereign being, I am an intuitive person, I'm a grown woman and I don't need to explain or defend my reasons to you at all.

Speaker 1:

Why is that important to you? And so next week we're going to talk about, really like why. This is how you can expedite this process by finding a sense of embodied safety within yourself, which is really the journey of all reclamation, of reclaiming the essence of who you are, not becoming a new person, but remembering who you are and kind of stripping away the distortions and the illusion of the innate truth that you have, this wisdom that is beyond your finite self, and tapping into that infinite. So if this has been something that you have struggled with, I would love to know what you've decided to respond and how it worked and just go be curious about it this week. Right, like that tapping into that little party of one with you know, come up with like five or six different things to say and just see what works and plan it ahead of time.

Speaker 1:

Know what your truth is, I think. Take the question with you why is it important? From a really loving place. And then your energy as soon as I say why is that important to you, my energy moves outward. And make sure you give yourself a pause. Give yourself a pause to breathe in, take a big, deep breath and ground yourself. Before you respond, I would absolutely love to hear how this works for you. Please share this episode, because I know there are so many women who could use this support, even beyond alcohol. Right, like we're questioned about things all the time from our superiors, from our bosses, from our friends, from our siblings, from our parents. Share this Step into the power of your own intuition, your own guidance, your own knowing why you're taking this journey on a deeper level. Right, ask yourself why, not just because I can't handle alcohol, but why can't I handle alcohol anymore? Right, and really know that for yourself, you're amazing. Have an awesome week and I can't wait to see you next week for our continuation of really setting the foundation to support you on an embodied, empowered journey beyond alcohol.

Speaker 1:

You know how you keep trying the same thing with alcohol to try to moderate, to make excuses, to make rules, and it's still not sticking. And really, every time you try to quit drinking, it almost seems to make things worse. That is because you are looking through a black and white lens, either on or off, and what my method, the five shifts process, does is it helps you take a step back and to open your perspective, where you start to really look at the relationship you have with yourself and learn how to do all the things that you think alcohol is doing for you on your own. All of this information is available to you right now in a really short and concise free training on my website, marywagstaffcoachcom. So get on over there, sign up. It'll take you about 10 seconds and I will see you on the inside. It's gonna change your life forever.