244. The Search For Meaning

Today's episode is a personal story on how I reclaimed my wholeness and my journey to find that elusive something that always felt out of reach.  
Although each of our journeys are unique, it is always a quest of forgetting and remembering that brings us back home to the truth of who we are. Share with someone this may help today. 

• Breaking free from alcohol and finding meaning.
• Feminism, spirituality, and personal growth.
• Addiction, self-discovery, and motherhood.
• Personal growth, self-awareness, and letting go of alcohol.
• Intuitive drinking and self-awareness.

Focus on the life you are moving towards, not the life you are moving away from. End the moderation and deprivation cycle for good when you eliminate your desire to drink.

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Transcript

Mary Wagstaff: 1:01

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol, I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, I am so thrilled that you're here, thank you so much for your attention, if you have never heard the saying your energy flows where attention goes. So it's so important during your journey of awakening beyond alcohol and reclaiming your naturally sober self that you place your attention within tension. And I'm just gonna get right into it. Today, I'm going to share my own personal journey with you about my own personal search for meaning. And I hope that this serves, what I like to remind all of you about, even though you can't see each other is that you have just come into a space with other beautiful like minded women from around the world who are sharing your same sentiment that this by your being here. Now, you are signaling to yourself that you are a frequency match for this information, even if you're conditioned beliefs, and behaviors and emotions might tell you otherwise, this, this message is reaching you now for a reason. And everything that had to happen in all of our lifetimes, lifetimes for all of us to meet here at this one moment, right here right now is so profound. And I say this because I want you to know that you are not alone. And I am here not as just the host of this podcast and a coach. But I am here as a fellow traveler on this beautiful and intricate and wild journey called life. And we are all here for the same reason. Because there is something bigger than sometimes what we have experienced in our linear achievement world of the day today. And you have dreams that haven't yet been met. And that is why you alcohol is in the way that is why alcohol is no longer serving the life that you want to live. It is a stark contrast between the the frequency that you're being fully attracted to, and the frequency of alcohol and it's really just no longer satisfying. So you're just not sure where to turn. We often seek however, meaning outside of ourselves, this elusive some thing that will create a set of circumstances or criteria that will finally right, finally create meaning has anyone ever been there? The idea of if when then this conundrum that we are sold and marketed to essentially often that, you know, if I could only get that job when that person listens, if our house was cleaner, if they just picked up after themselves, when I lose five pounds, then I'll feel worthy, then I can feel good, then then it will all be okay for for so, so long. I searched and searched for some state of enlightenment to really anchor me into the meaning and connection in my life. But what I want to offer you and I what I want you to just stay open to as you go along in your journey and throughout this day is what if all of your dreams were available and happening to you right here right now that this moment really is as good as it gets, even in the midst of potential struggle and challenge, right? That it's not that it's about the journey and not the destination, but the journey is the destination that we are born into this world and we start the process of forgetting and that we get collect, collect all of these layers of conditioning. And then there comes The point in our journey where we start to wake up, we start the journey of remembering, there's a tipping point that signals something to us when we reach so far outside of ourselves, and we just keep running into walls, we just keep reaching to fill this void inside. But nothing outside of ourselves is working. And we know that there's something more we can feel it, we know that there's something deep inside of us. That just hasn't happened yet, but you can't quite name it. My story is one of seeking and wandering through this maze of life trying to find that elusive something. I was raised by a baby booming feminists who taught me how to be independent, maybe a little bit to a fault. No, she's the reason my amazing mother is the reason that I'm here speaking to you today. However, the lens of the feminist movement often left out one crucial component, the feminine, the feminist movement with all of its best intentions was a fight to the top right, and women were just doing what they knew how being mirrored. And this really is the wounding of the patriarchy in the feminist movement is mirroring this power over model versus a power with model. And the model of the feminist movement is we can too, right I can do what you can do, and maybe even better, right, this necessity to prove ourselves and to to claim our independence, versus the feminine model, which is not I can do what you can do, which is also true, but I can do what you can't do. And together, we create an integral whole, that it doesn't have to be us versus them, that it could that it could be leading by example, that we can just decide to show up and find find our way to the top No, everything happens for a reason, right, and the trajectory of the way that the feminist movement played out and the awakening of where we are today, we realize that it's not just women who were discouraged from embracing the feminine, but our male counterparts, as well. And in in amongst that feminist movement, we also had to compete with one another, right, which created a deep wounding of sisterhood, and of competition over community and collaboration. And I think that that's what we're, we're all here really doing today. And so because I, you know, saw this model of pushing ourselves to the edge of our capabilities in a linear world, that valued achievement, over authenticity, I was out looking for that validation. Externally, I stumbled upon my spiritual awakening, kind of accidentally, through the practice of yoga, and by being introduced to my breath, by cultivating what is called the witness consciousness, where I was able to observe my breath coming in and out of me. And through that place of observation, where I wasn't just letting my breathing be just this passive experience happening to me. But some of my existential dread started to wane a little bit. And I finally felt part of an integral whole I finally, the, the spark of spirit really turned up the volume, so to speak. And I was thrilled, I was thrilled to know that I had stumbled on a path that would be what created more meaning and connection for me. But I didn't really have a guru, I really didn't have someone kind of guiding me through the spiritual journey. Even though I studied yoga and practice yoga, the wandering and seeking that I did was definitely part of my spiritual journey. So I went out across the world to seek enlightenment. And I was extremely independent. I never waited for anyone to do anything. I never asked for permission. And on the outside, it looked like I was just doing my thing. My dad always told me you have a zest for life. But I was out in the world seeking through you know, education travel, I was the first one in my in my family to finish college to travel by train cross country to study abroad to live abroad to you know, even probably to do with my first downward dog. But all the while there was this coming home that had to happen because I knew I'm who I wanted to be, but I didn't know how to be that person because I didn't really see that person mirrored to me. So when I was alone, I would drink. And alcohol became just like so many people that I had seen in the world, a regular pastime, right? It was just something adults did. And it was never really explained to me, the you know, and I don't even think people knew then that anyone can become addicted to alcohol. And it's not the specific type of person that can become addicted to alcohol. And in a world where shots are normal, and in the service industry that I was in, you know, a shift drink is one of the perks. I got hooked, and I got hooked pretty quickly as one will do when you're associating your good times and your bad times. And every single emotion you have with a drug that produces a pleasure reward a very strong pleasure reward. So it became a point of comfort, a point of me being able to do an independent things without as much fear to be by myself, I would have these like kind of dance parties for one. And thinking that I was just like being this independent person. But underneath, I really didn't know so much of how to be a woman. And I went to the, to the jungles of Costa Rica, and deep into yoga ashrams, and continue to study and seek enlightenment and find different esoteric practices. All the while, there was this nagging thing that would show up in my life that was really breaking my heart, I have journals from as young as 25 years old, where I was saying, I wish I can't believe that I'm doing this again, you know, you wake up the night before Is this fun party, and then you wake up in reality with a hangover, a lack of energy. And I was practicing so much yoga throughout the last, you know, through those 20 years, that there was I had the stark contrast of, Wow, I can really be connected and present when I'm on my yoga mat. But I still had this pole and this yearning to drink in the evenings. And motherhood became a huge turning point for me, where I first I was really tapping into some of these more innate natural rhythms of the feminine just through the essence of motherhood. I was nursing right out of the womb, we were practicing something called natural infant hygiene. And I was tuning in to these cyclical natures of what it means to be a human through my body, and then through the observation of my son. And I started teaching a mama and baby yoga class. And it was the first time that I was in a sacred community and circle with women were alcohol wasn't involved, where we were chatting and engaging in and sharing and talking about our cycles of life and what the cycle that is motherhood, even just tuning into sleep cycles, and these like natural rhythms that really started to spark something inside of me. And through that, alcohol started to become kind of flat and less satisfying. I was also under the very strong awareness that everything I was doing, I was mirroring to my son. And I was just having this call in this poll, to do something more to take my passions of movement and yoga and women's empowerment and all the mindfulness stuff I knew to the next level, but I knew that I could never do it with alcohol in the way a I couldn't, I needed to be able to walk my talk and be alcohol created such a lack of confidence on a daily and it was really heartbreaking. I would wake up with the best of intentions and end the evening, you know, got several drinks in and there was just this constant push pull in my mind. So I started putting myself in new environments with new people. I signed up for hula hoop class, something that I had wanted to do for many, many years that I wouldn't have done because alcohol was in the way if it was past five o'clock, I would knew I would be drinking, but I showed up to the hoop and it opened up something inside of me naturally the hoop just offers this different expression of the flow, right, the rhythm of the hips of the circle that's of the spiral, this femininity, that started to lift my Kundalini energy in a way that the linear practice of the the type of Yoga I was practicing, it never really did. In many ways yoga is has is quite a masculine practice. And again, I would go back to alcohol and it was just kind of falling flat, but I didn't I had identified with it. So magic created so much of myself concept that I just didn't know like how to let it go, what do I say? Who am I right on the other side of this, and I thought I need some new friends, I need to continue to put myself in these new environments that are changing my perspective that are creating more meaning and satisfaction than all of these linear achievements where, where I am the meaning I am becoming the meaning. And so, I found myself on the Pacific coast of Mexico, at a beautiful women's retreat where we studied the feminine mysteries, and I was introduced to my womb space for the first time as the Holy Grail as the portal for creativity, for pleasure for purpose, and that it was all my birthright, right, that I could really tap into this energy inside of the womb where I had just created my baby. And like, of course, there's all of this other profound potentiality in that space. And from that place, I never really looked back, I knew that the, the answer started to fill up inside of me. And the void, which was once a void became more of a more possibilities, where that missing piece of the feminine was now I was now in full awareness of where I wasn't seeking outside of myself, I knew that there was a part of me that I was rediscovering and Reclaiming my wholeness within. And that was the point where I knew alcohol could just be an option, it could be a point of maturation, where I could choose that this no longer was good enough for the life that I wanted to lead. Of course, there was natural impact of detoxing from years of conditioning, not only on a biological level, but more so on a belief level. But because I was filling my myself with this recognition of who I really was whole and wholly unto myself, and I was really good, coming closer to my own personal cycle. And just being so much more present with with motherhood and the being a mother and witnessing my I started to be able to witness my emotions, and I could embrace the shadow side of me and knew that it was all one in the same, I was able to flip the switch in my brain, that alcohol could be a choice. And I could decide based on my values, is this in alignment with who I want to be. And I got really clear about what my values were at the time, and every single one of them. And this is something that I teach my clients, we call it a life intention. Every single one of them negated alcohol, from personal responsibility to health to wellness to presence, it was a no brainer. And so I was like, if I want to walk my talk, and that felt really important to me at the time to be an example of what's possible for my son, and these other women that I was engaging with that were coming to my classes. And, you know, we were creating community, I, I was able to move through letting alcohol go, by replacing it with more of me by discovering more of me, and there was this peeling away the layers to see the wholeness that was already there. It's the conditioning on top that makes it feel like a void. But there is wholeness for you under neath. And so what I've done is I took this passion of the feminine, and I slowly started weaving it into the business that I have now into an act of service. And so when I go out into the world to say yes to new things, and yes to new opportunities, it's not through the lens of external validation or achievement, but it's really through the lens of having a brand new experience for myself, can I step into work through the lens of pleasure, can I let how pleasurable Am I allowed, am I willing to allow this to be and allow it to not even also be about me, because I truly feel that being human is the most spiritual thing that we can do on this planet. When we let ourselves live in the authenticity of our cycles and rhythms that is so innate inside of the feminine versus the external achievement and reward system that we've been conditioned to believe creates meaning and purpose, and it can be the both and we can go out and succeed. Eat and achieve great heights. But we can do it through a lens where the outcome doesn't matter, right, because we've all been there where we've gotten a new car, got married, had a kid remodel the house, and eventually the meaning falls flat unless you're very conscious of the intention of gratitude and growth and change, right when we just have this expectation that it's going to continue to carry us when our achievements are going to continue to carry us outside of the moment themselves that we achieved them, we're going to sell ourselves short. It's the it's the experience of the inside, in that moment, from moment to moment that really creates the deep meaning and satisfaction of life. And this is available to you in this moment, right now, even through the lens of alcohol. And that's the first place that we start is we become the witness, we become aware of the sensations in our body, the push pull, and we get curious about it. And then we offer compassion, and we stay committed with conviction. And then we celebrate all of our achievements. I am so glad you're here. I hope this served. Thank you so much for listening today for your beautiful attention. And if there is anything that you would like to hear more about on the show, I would absolutely love for you to write me ask any questions and I am thrilled to make an episode just for you. Because if you have a question and you have an inquiry that means sodas someone else, and I can't wait to talk to you next time, have a wonderful week. As much as I know you would love to you cannot wish yourself alcohol free. You have to take action to do something different. So what I want you to do is head on over to my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, where you can download the free training of the five shifts of intuitive drinking, along with a free guide of questions that you can ask yourself every single day when you have an urge. When you have a craving when you wake up in the morning, you can make it a ritual practice to start to observe yourself in a new way. And it will guide you through the process of learning to tap into your own deeper knowing so that you can develop a new relationship to yourself, which will in turn and your relationship to alcohol. Mary Wagstaff coach.com To register for the free On Demand training right now.